You Are Not Broken

I'm writing this post, being real, in hopes that it will help someone else who has gone through similar things to what I've been through. I know many women, and probably men, too, go through these kinds of things. For absolutely no explainable reason, and through no fault of our own, we hate ourselves.

I don't know what it is about us that makes us downplay our strengths and highlight our faults in our own minds, but it is all too easy to do. Even when there's no specific fault in view, often there is a general discontent with who we are as people. Then, there are the actual flaws that are inherent in being human. Heaven forbid I actually make a mistake on the job or someone next door does something better than me! I just must be too terrible of a person. Somehow, I failed. I didn't try hard enough, I was too lazy to bother, I just can't do it as well. It would probably be easier if I just didn't exist. After all, I take more from the world than I give to it.

It doesn't even really help to know that the person next door who does such a good job at what I cannot do is feeling the exact same way I am for equally ridiculous reasons.

I have to believe that this is all part of the fall, a ploy of the enemy to keep us from returning to Yahweh, who really, really, really wants us back. I mean, He wants us back so much that He was willing to cut Himself off from His own perfect Son and sacrifice Him on a cross, gruesomely, to get us back. But He can't make us come back to Him, and if we are so sure we're not worthy of it, we may never come. Clever enemy. He can't stop Yahweh from loving us, so he decided to do the next best thing and stop us from loving ourselves.

And this self-loathing is not based in reality, so it cannot be reasoned away. That bad day on the job? Yes, realistically it was one bad day in which I was simply tired and so were the kids and so I lost my temper. Still, I must be the worst teacher in the world, right? I mean, who yells at children? Or maybe I just might make a mistake later today... Perhaps I, even with the best of intentions, might unintentionally sin, or even give into temptation and intentionally do something I know to be wrong. The fear of messing up in the future is just as hampering as the regret over having messed up in the past, and just as unwarranted, for it denies the power of Yahweh to redeem and fix any mistakes that I might make. As if the power I have to mess up is greater than Yahweh's power of redemption. My heart is pure. I desire to please Yahweh. He is big enough to ensure that I do.

So if self-deprecation can't be reasoned away, can't be argued away, what can we do? We could, perhaps, strive really hard and work our tails off to be better than that teacher or neighbor next door or become super saintly and do a lot of really good deeds and avoid doing bad things? Except that self-confidence based on what I do only lasts as long as that good deed. It's impossible to stay on top forever when striving in our own efforts. We just don't have enough energy to be the best all the time. If we did, we wouldn't need Holy Spirit and the power of Yahweh to save us.

So if we can't reason away self-loathing, and if we can't be good enough to outdistance it, then what? The answer is simple. Our self-worth must not be based on something as arbitrary as feelings or as changing as our own actions or comparisons to others. It must be based on something that is constant, steady, unchanging. It must be based on Yahweh Himself. On His unchanging Word.

And do you know what the most amazing thing is? His Word is that we are not broken. We are not bad. There is nothing wrong with us. He has redeemed us. All we have to do is let Him, is believe this truth. No matter what we've done or thought or not done enough, no matter what we might do tomorrow or fail to do the next day, we are not broken. We are loved. This will not change, and as long as we allow Yahweh to operate in our lives, we can never be broken. We can never be less-than. And we can allow ourselves to accept the one thing we've always desired all of our lives, the Love of Yahweh. We can come home.

So think about that. Make the enemy's day horrible and love yourself, for Yahweh loves you. He accepts you. You are not broken.