I've been through a lot lately, and I have learned a lot about dealing with grief and trauma through this process. I've had many friends who've let me down, and I've had some truly wonderful people who have been willing to invest themselves in my healing process in ways that make me feel like maybe I'll make it through this and there will be another side. There are many things people don't know about grief and trauma until you've been through it. Certainly I didn't know these things before, and even now each person's situation is so unique, there is no one right way to grieve. Still, these things are basic guidelines that I think are useful in most situations, although it is always important to let the person going through it lead the process. I posted last year about the boundaries I set and what I needed for people to help me in my grief. Many of these statements are similar because what I've learned is based on my own experience, though the overall post is more generic.
*There is no wrong way to grieve, and the bereaved is not following any timeline but their own.
*It is better to admit when you're not able to deal with trauma or grief than to blame the victim for making you uncomfortable.
*It is better to ask someone how you can help them in their healing or grieving process than to try to impose your ideas of right and wrong upon a person and then tell them you can't help them if you won't follow their advice.
*It is better to be quiet and sit with and hug someone than to offer "advice" that is judgmental, accusatory, or otherwise going to make their process more difficult. (Advice can be helpful... see below.)*What has been comforting in your situation may or may not be useful to others, so offering that in the phrasing "When I lost ____, it helped me to _____" or "When I went through ____, I found comfort by ____" instead of "You should/must/need to _____" is more compassionate and empathetic as well as less judgmental or alienating.
*Always respect the boundaries of the person who is grieving. If they ask you to stop telling them to ___, then stop! If they reach out and need your support and you don't know how to give it to them, ask them to express what they need and do that if you are able. Do not try to substitute what you want to give for what they know they need.
*Grief lasts longer than a couple of months or years, and there will always be moments such as holidays or anniversaries that the person can use extra support.
*If someone isn't able to reach out to you or express what they need, feel free to reach out to them, but don't be offended if they can't reach back or explain themselves to you. You don't know how grieving will change the whole landscape of how you relate to people until you've been through it.
*A person who is grieving is a beautiful, probably happy, good person whose life has just been turned upside down. They never, ever need to be blamed for their grief, reactions, or choices. I know there are some ways to grieve that are unhealthy (such as substance abuse), but again that needs to be dealt with using empathy and compassion instead of judgment. And yes, in that sometimes you'll need to set boundaries of your own. But boundaries and compassion are not mutually exclusive.
*Supporting someone who is traumatized or grieving will not be a quid pro quo arrangement. The bereaved is in survival mode and doesn't necessarily have anything left over to pay you back for your support. Depending on where they're at in their process, they may not even be able to express gratitude, though they feel your support for sure.
I wanted to say thank you to the amazing people in my life who have been there and done this for me without asking for anything in return. I couldn't go through this process without you. ❤️
*There is no wrong way to grieve, and the bereaved is not following any timeline but their own.
*It is better to admit when you're not able to deal with trauma or grief than to blame the victim for making you uncomfortable.
*It is better to ask someone how you can help them in their healing or grieving process than to try to impose your ideas of right and wrong upon a person and then tell them you can't help them if you won't follow their advice.
*It is better to be quiet and sit with and hug someone than to offer "advice" that is judgmental, accusatory, or otherwise going to make their process more difficult. (Advice can be helpful... see below.)*What has been comforting in your situation may or may not be useful to others, so offering that in the phrasing "When I lost ____, it helped me to _____" or "When I went through ____, I found comfort by ____" instead of "You should/must/need to _____" is more compassionate and empathetic as well as less judgmental or alienating.
*Always respect the boundaries of the person who is grieving. If they ask you to stop telling them to ___, then stop! If they reach out and need your support and you don't know how to give it to them, ask them to express what they need and do that if you are able. Do not try to substitute what you want to give for what they know they need.
*Grief lasts longer than a couple of months or years, and there will always be moments such as holidays or anniversaries that the person can use extra support.
*If someone isn't able to reach out to you or express what they need, feel free to reach out to them, but don't be offended if they can't reach back or explain themselves to you. You don't know how grieving will change the whole landscape of how you relate to people until you've been through it.
*A person who is grieving is a beautiful, probably happy, good person whose life has just been turned upside down. They never, ever need to be blamed for their grief, reactions, or choices. I know there are some ways to grieve that are unhealthy (such as substance abuse), but again that needs to be dealt with using empathy and compassion instead of judgment. And yes, in that sometimes you'll need to set boundaries of your own. But boundaries and compassion are not mutually exclusive.
*Supporting someone who is traumatized or grieving will not be a quid pro quo arrangement. The bereaved is in survival mode and doesn't necessarily have anything left over to pay you back for your support. Depending on where they're at in their process, they may not even be able to express gratitude, though they feel your support for sure.
I wanted to say thank you to the amazing people in my life who have been there and done this for me without asking for anything in return. I couldn't go through this process without you. ❤️
No comments:
Post a Comment