Helping Someone Through Trauma and Grief

I've been through a lot lately, and I have learned a lot about dealing with grief and trauma through this process. I've had many friends who've let me down, and I've had some truly wonderful people who have been willing to invest themselves in my healing process in ways that make me feel like maybe I'll make it through this and there will be another side. There are many things people don't know about grief and trauma until you've been through it. Certainly I didn't know these things before, and even now each person's situation is so unique, there is no one right way to grieve. Still, these things are basic guidelines that I think are useful in most situations, although it is always important to let the person going through it lead the process. I posted last year about the boundaries I set and what I needed for people to help me in my grief. Many of these statements are similar because what I've learned is based on my own experience, though the overall post is more generic.

*There is no wrong way to grieve, and the bereaved is not following any timeline but their own.

*It is better to admit when you're not able to deal with trauma or grief than to blame the victim for making you uncomfortable.

*It is better to ask someone how you can help them in their healing or grieving process than to try to impose your ideas of right and wrong upon a person and then tell them you can't help them if you won't follow their advice.

*It is better to be quiet and sit with and hug someone than to offer "advice" that is judgmental, accusatory, or otherwise going to make their process more difficult. (Advice can be helpful... see below.)*What has been comforting in your situation may or may not be useful to others, so offering that in the phrasing "When I lost ____, it helped me to _____" or "When I went through ____, I found comfort by ____" instead of "You should/must/need to _____" is more compassionate and empathetic as well as less judgmental or alienating.

*Always respect the boundaries of the person who is grieving. If they ask you to stop telling them to ___, then stop! If they reach out and need your support and you don't know how to give it to them, ask them to express what they need and do that if you are able. Do not try to substitute what you want to give for what they know they need.

*Grief lasts longer than a couple of months or years, and there will always be moments such as holidays or anniversaries that the person can use extra support.

*If someone isn't able to reach out to you or express what they need, feel free to reach out to them, but don't be offended if they can't reach back or explain themselves to you. You don't know how grieving will change the whole landscape of how you relate to people until you've been through it.

*A person who is grieving is a beautiful, probably happy, good person whose life has just been turned upside down. They never, ever need to be blamed for their grief, reactions, or choices. I know there are some ways to grieve that are unhealthy (such as substance abuse), but again that needs to be dealt with using empathy and compassion instead of judgment. And yes, in that sometimes you'll need to set boundaries of your own. But boundaries and compassion are not mutually exclusive.

*Supporting someone who is traumatized or grieving will not be a quid pro quo arrangement. The bereaved is in survival mode and doesn't necessarily have anything left over to pay you back for your support. Depending on where they're at in their process, they may not even be able to express gratitude, though they feel your support for sure.

I wanted to say thank you to the amazing people in my life who have been there and done this for me without asking for anything in return. I couldn't go through this process without you. ❤️

Encouragement

Encouragement, like everything, is a multi-layered concept.

There is one layer in which the Spanish word for encouragement is apt. Animar. This word has connections to the Spanish word for cheerleader and the English word for animate. This layer of encouragement is the one you give to someone who is trying to do something that is difficult. The goal of this type of encouragement is to motivate them to continue in the difficult thing. You might hear phrases like, "Keep going" or "You can do it" or "It'll be so good when you accomplish this!" This layer of encouragement is useful in many ways. It motivates someone who has already chosen to do something difficult and begun the task to keep going through the process, which is often long and difficult. It also helps someone to feel like others believe in them, which can be helpful when they stop believing in themselves as the process becomes more onerous.

There is another layer of encouragement in which you tell someone that where they are is okay. In this, a person might be going through a difficult time and having a hard time getting through it. They might be struggling and want to pull themselves out of the valley and onto the mountaintop, but they need to rest and regain their strength before they continue their journey. Because society and religion often use guilt, shame, and fear to try to push someone out of the valleys and onto the mountaintops as quickly as possible, this kind of encouragement is invaluable because it lets people know that it's okay to be sad, it's okay to grieve, and it's okay to have negative experiences or emotions. "This is normal," "You're doing great," "It's okay to take a break" and other such phrases accompany this layer of encouragement.

I think my favorite layer of encouragement is the one where you are actively supporting someone long-term in the process of walking through something that is difficult. This person has already been through many mountains and valleys, and you have chosen to walk along with them in this journey, weaving these first two layers of encouragement together with the beautiful blessings of presence and support. Not only are you adept at switching between the "you can do it" type of encouragement and the "take a break for now" type of encouragement as the situation warrants, but you're there with them while they cry in the valleys and exult in the mountains. There are not words to describe how valuable simple presence can be. Additionally, sometimes instead of just standing on the sidelines and shouting ideas and valuable truths, you get into the walk and help them. Whether this is removing an obstacle from someone's path or helping them lift the obstacle themselves, you have invested so much of yourself in this journey that you are willing to give of your emotional energy, time, space, and possibly even finances or other resources.

I love to see the deeper layers of things, and I so value the encouragement of those who are willing to go with me into the depths, who see and value the things that are beyond the surface level, and who are willing to weave together a Tapestry that includes both mountains and valleys, all of which are glorious.