Fearless

Sometimes I like to touch the past, to remember how things used to be. It helps me appreciate how far I come; it causes me to be grateful. Sometimes, I start to cry with the wonder and amazement of it all.

Tonight, I was driving around the university I attended from ages 16-20 and again as a graduate student. The place has changed a lot, honestly. There are countless buildings that were not there before, a couple of new parking lots--probably not enough for all the new buildings; parking was always a problem on campus--and roads that used to be open that were closed before.

As part of my jaunt around the university, I also drove in a certain area of the town. I noticed another new Walmart and countless new gas stations and restaurants and I realized how much my homeland has changed over the past decade or so. Yet, all of this pales in comparison to how much I have changed.

To be clear, I didn't change me. I didn't do anything except take Yahweh at His Word, believing the Promise that He made me before time ever began. Now that I've received that Promise and continue to grow in ever greater and deepening revelation of the Promise, I live a life I never imagined was possible.

I vaguely remember the days when I started to live in dread. I was in pre-school or kindergarten. I remember thinking that my stomach hurt, all the while knowing that it wasn't really a stomachache. When I was a child, I caught every communicable disease I was exposed to, so I was well aware of what the stomach flu was and how it worked. This ache, this heaviness in my stomach, was different than what I experienced when I was about to throw up. Yet, it was uncomfortable and painful and there. I remember noticing it when it came, but I don't remember when it became a given. I don't remember when it became commonplace to dread the day in front of you.

Since that day when the stomachache that was not a stomachache came until these past few weeks and months, I woke up in dread every morning that I had a responsibility. This burden was somewhat lightened during school breaks, and on those special exciting days like my birthday and Christmas, it was gone, but otherwise, it was my constant companion.

Most people dread the things they cannot control, and I suppose there was an element of that to the situation. Mostly, though, I dreaded the things that I could control. I dreaded making a mistake, hurting someone's feelings, or making someone mad. I dreaded being wrong or dropping the ball or breaking something. Some mornings the dread would be so great that I would have panic attacks at the thought that I had to face the responsibilities that were ahead of me. I would try to encourage myself on those days, and I even made it through those responsibilities, performing them well. Yet, the burden and dread of failure was always upon me.

Until this summer. This summer, when I had time to process the Promise that Yahweh showed me in April and integrate the revelation of the New Covenant, which is the Promise. This Covenant was made before time between Yahweh and myself, and it cannot be broken by simple mistakes or occasional bad choices. It is to this Covenant, and not the secular or religious concepts of right and wrong that I am bound, and because it is in the Power of Yahweh that this Covenant operates, it is not something I can get wrong.

The dread was gone for months, and then school started. The normal fear and anxiety that would accompany the start of the school year was not present, though there was a bit of nervousness as I knew the Truth of the freedom from anxiety and dread would really be tested for the first time as I took on the responsibilities of my job once again.

The first week is always the week of professional development, and I was too overwhelmed to be nervous. My new position is so much bigger than my previous one, and there was a giant party with tens of thousands of dollars worth of door prizes. This was the same day I received the first copy of my first book: Promises, the Poetry of the Zadokim. 

The second week I met my kids for the first time, and I was somewhat nervous, but also excited. I had never been excited before. As the week rolled on, I realized that I was not afraid as I had always been before. I experienced a little bit of stress as I had to juggle deadlines and assignments that I had not dealt with since May, but that was it.

Then came Sunday night. Last year, I was heavily burdened by dread every Sunday as I anticipated the week ahead. It would come on as the evening came and I realized that the weekend was almost over. This Sunday, the nerves started, but there wasn't really any fear, and under the familiar nervous residue, I felt this certainty that fear was never part of my Promise and that I could be fearless. I also knew that I didn't have to wait out a long battle for that to happen.

This week, I have often started crying in wonder. I expected to be exhausted. I expected to be drained. I expected to be terrified. Or not really, because I believe Yahweh. Yet, that would have been my expectation if I were going based on what I have experienced before. But I'm not.

Because this week I have woken up every morning without dread. I've had an entire week of school that was good. This week, I have been free and I marvel and I wonder because even though I'm living in it, it is not something I had ever fathomed, ever hoped to live in.

I didn't know it was possible to live without dread. But my God... He does impossible things.

New Job

They say it's unwise to post about your job on social media, so this is not about my new job, though I am very excited and happy to have started this week at a new junior high school. However, at any such turning point in my life, I cannot help but reflect on where I am now and where I used to be--where I could still be without Yahweh.

I am starting my sixth year teaching this year and my second teaching position. Overall, this is my fourth occupation, and I am just amazed at the place where Yahweh has brought me.

Five years ago when I started teaching, I was not the same person that I am now. I was so afraid and unsure of myself. I didn't know what to do or how to make friends and I always wanted friends, but not for the reason that I enjoy relationships with people now. Back then, I needed people to validate and approve of me because I could not validate and approve of myself. Just before I started teaching, I began to realize that everybody didn't hate me, but I was not aware that people might really like me for me or be able to help me acclimate to a new setting. I was sure that they would hate me automatically if I messed up or made just one mistake. I thought I would get in major trouble if I didn't do everything just so.

Ten years ago when I got my first job working retail at a clothing store, I was almost 400 pounds and severely depressed. I did not know how to interact with people hardly at all, and I was not sure there would ever be happiness or joy in my life. I didn't know how to do anything and I was too afraid to admit when I needed help with something.

In both of these situations, I was so weighted down and stressed out. I felt so burdened every day, and each morning I woke up already afraid of what the day would bring and what mistakes I might make in it. I literally made myself sick, and any task that was asked of me caused me fear unless it was something I knew I could do well. This didn't happen very often, as the things I did best were intellectual and academic. I was not adept at socializing--how could I be if I thought everyone would hate me-- and all of the positions I took required people skills, something I have since learned in what they call "on the job training."

Even now, people confuse me sometimes. Yahweh has revealed things to me recently that help me to understand people a little better, but it is still only something I can do with Him. Yet, I am no longer moved to fear when people respond to me in ways I do not expect or understand.

I cannot describe the difference, the steadiness, that I experienced this week in comparison to the first days in my previous positions. I was not nervous or afraid. I was not worried about making friends. I was not overly stressed by what was asked of me. Each time I was tempted to fear, I remembered that I can do anything with Yahweh and that He has given me all power in my metron.

I am not naive to the difficulties that come with teaching teenagers, nor am I saying that I have not been completely overwhelmed by the sheer amount of work, new information, and expansion of it all. (The school at which I teach now is bigger than the entire district I worked for previously.) Yet, not once have I been tempted to stress out, doubt myself, or fear.

I know that this would not have even been possible two months ago. Indeed, in May I was stressed to the point of tears trying to make sure I ended the school year without making any mistakes and getting all of the students to turn in their assignments before grades were due.

But Yahweh. He changed that. He fixed the part of me that thought I wasn't worthy of love or respect if I did something wrong. He taught me that I don't have to believe the lies of the enemy that I am subject to circumstances or things beyond my control. He gave me the power to stand up and believe in myself. He did all of this in time for me to accept my new position and take my place.

I am not even sure how He did it. I mean, I can look back and see the process, and yet... My God is the most amazing God... There is nothing too big for Him. He can do all things, and I can do all things through Christ.