What is home?
I am not sure I really understand this yet. But I think, I know, that I am beginning to have a home.
I've never had a home before. Not like this. Oh, I've had wonderful houses that I have lived in. The house I live in now was positively a gift from Yahweh. And the windows are so. awesome. (Windows!!) But a house is not a home.
Home is a safe place. Home is a place where you can rest and not fear what might try to come against you. I've always thought that home is a place that you can be yourself, but then I didn't really know myself, so I couldn't have been me if I tried.
There is so much more to home than this, however. Because home is where the Father is. In our society, most people don't have a home anymore because it takes a father to make a home. And while many of the Earthly fathers of this nation haven't been able to create homes for their families, a home is available for everyone who receives Yahweh as their Father.
There's always been this part of me that feels just a little bit lonely, a little bit left out. Our ecclesia really puts an emphasis on family, for that is Yahweh's order and government. His original idea was for families to care for each other and to rule over metrons--areas of responsibility--together. The original word for "nation" actually is "birth," and the original countries were based entirely on families who grew and spread out to rule vast areas of land.
Yet, what about those of us whose families are not ready to take their places in the Kingdom order? There are some of us who don't have earthly fathers, mothers, husbands, wives, etc. who are willing to line up with Yahweh and help us steward these metrons that we have been given. Sometimes, this can be hard because, while there are pastors and people who are very kind and willing to help where they can, there is no substitute for family. There is always the inevitable time when you have to return to an empty house and, alone, prepare for the responsibilities that tomorrow will bring you.
But Yahweh does not leave us as orphans. He promised to come to us and to give us the spirit of adoption. He promised, in other words, to be our Father. And in our Father are many homes. There Yahshua prepared a place for us, and we came to the Father through Him.
This home is not a physical location. It is not in one place at one time, but it is in Yahweh. He is my home, and He is my Father. In Him I am safe. In Him I can rest and not fear what might try to come against me. In Him I can be myself, for He has shown me myself and He has made me into myself. He helps me reign in my metron, for He gives me the grace to do so. And it is here that I have found my home.
Though I do not understand it, for I've never seen a home like this before. I have friends whose dreams are to travel the world and visit foreign places, and while I find travel fun and exciting, I have always dreamed of having a home. I've tried to push aside the loneliness, to save the things they say about family for the "one day" and the "not yet" when Yahweh will do something new in the far distant future.
Yet here I am, beginning to see what "home" is, realizing the dream far earlier than I ever thought possible, a dream that part of me thought would never really be possible. But with my God all things are possible. Yahweh is so amazing.
Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me. In My Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also. ~John 14:1-3
Sunday, September 27, 2015
Sunday, September 13, 2015
The Beauty of Redemption
We've all heard that regretting the past is a waste of time. We can't go back and change it. Yahweh's forgiven us for it, so why can't we forgive ourselves? It's only hampering our future to focus to intently on the past.
None of this is wrong, but I find there is another reason for not regretting the past that is not talked about nearly so often. Redemption.
Redemption is when Yahweh takes something that was broken and makes it whole again, when He makes sure that something negative becomes positive, when He takes what was never meant to be and turns it into the very thing that He had envisioned from before the foundations of the world. Redemption is beautiful. Redemption is amazing. Redemption is glorious.
Think about the state of the world right now. Wars and poverty, hatred and death. All throughout history we've had genocides, murders, depravity. The worst of the worst that can happen when man tells Yahweh that He doesn't get to be a part of the very world He created. If you're like me, you can see the degradation that society is existing in right now. The laws the United States has recently enacted, the militant anti-Christ that is working in this world. It all points to destruction and that can easily lead to despair.
But think of all that which seems to be utterly insane, a one-way ticket to Hell in a hand basket. Then think about redemption. The realization that Yahweh can actually fix all of that, that He can take the people who are enacting these horrors and perpetuating these evils and change their hearts and make them do the very opposite of what they've done all their lives. The only requirement for Him to be able to do that is that a man let Him into His heart and give Him free access to work His redemptive power therein.
I think about Paul, formerly Saul of Tarsus, who was part of the biggest detriment to the growth of Yahweh's Kingdom that existed in his time. He actively persecuted and killed Christians, even holding the cloaks of the men who martyred Stephen. He felt no remorse for this; he thought he was doing the right thing. He would have continued to persecute and murder Christians for the rest of his life believing that this is what he was supposed to be doing. Yet, when He met Yahshua on the road to Damascus, He was changed from the inside out. Allowing Yahshua to work in Him and through Him, He became one of the greatest assets to the growth of Yahweh's Kingdom. He wrote 2/3 of the New Testaments, started countless ecclesiae in the Mediterranean, the Middle East, and Asia Minor, and was responsible for the spread of the Gospel to the Gentiles.
Redemption.
It is utterly amazing that Yahweh was able to change such a man so thoroughly, use his life so completely that we, today, are still benefiting from his faith and the things he did through his faith.
I look back at my own life. It is hard to describe the lack of freedom I once walked in. I was clinically depressed from the age of 10. I still remember the summer I first began to take Prozac. I was just about to start 5th grade and I was so embarrassed that there was something wrong with me that I didn't want anyone to know I had to take that daily pill. Over time, I began to wallow in the sadness, to believe that nobody would or ever could love me. I gained so much weight that I topped out at 387 pounds. I tried to hide away from the world because I was afraid of it. All it ever did was hurt me, and I was sure all I could ever do to it was be a detriment. I did not look too far into the future because I was afraid that what I would find there, all I could ever be, was more of what I was then living in. A psychiatrist told me that I could expect a major depressive episode at least once a year for the rest of my life. Why, then, would I want to continue living? I hated myself, I hated my life, and I knew vaguely that there was a God out there who had sent His Son to die for me, but I did not have the relationship with Him that I do now.
Yet, He was there for me all along, and the life I live now is exceedingly, abundantly beyond anything I could have ever imagined or dreamed. I was healed of depression, I've lost 200 pounds, I have a job where I am helping people and doing good in the world. I have friends that love me and whom I trust. And what's even more amazing? When I look to the future, I only see more joy, more beauty. One day I shall have a husband and children. One day I shall change the world. And what I see is not even all that will be because even that shall be exceeded, more abundant.
It would be easy for me to regret the past. Sometimes, I wish I'd had the freedom I do now when I was in college or high school. My life would've been a lot different. I would've been one of those teenagers with friends who go hang out at the movies at night and have a curfew and parents who are waiting for you when you get home. But I didn't have that then. Instead, I have what I have now, and I get to hang out late at night with friends all the time.
Because Yahweh has returned to me everything I'd lost.
And so I am grateful for the past. For the horrible times and the times when I was just holding on to life by a thread. I could easily have died, for suicide presented itself as an option to me many times over the years. But I did not because of Yahweh. Because I knew my life was and is His and I did not want to steal it from Him as the last thing I did on this earth.
Then look where He has taken me. The contrast between what was and what is is unfathomable to those who haven't seen it, haven't lived it, themselves. Yet, I believe that the contrast gives Yahweh a greater glory and I hope it will show others, as Paul's life did, that Yahweh can truly do what is impossible in any situation so long as He is given access. Trust Him. He is good.
Because redemption is beautiful. How can any being take all that is horrible and ugly in this world and make it perfect again? But that is what Yahweh will do, what He did when Yahshua died on the cross and said, "It is finished." When He said "finished," He didn't just mean done. He meant perfected. In other words, He said, "It is perfect again." Perfect again... Redeemed.
Yahweh... He created an infinite universe that was utterly perfect. He put every intersection of space and time, of people and places, of hearts and beings and feelings, everything that ever was, is, or could ever be He mapped out and made to flow perfectly. The unrolling of creation was the perfect symphony of harmonic sounds, the perfect blend of colors on a canvas, the perfect combination of words in a poem. And then it was broken, slashed into an infinite number of minute pieces that we as part of creation kept trying to fix but could never have fixed because the pieces were so small that we couldn't even see them. Yet He fixed it. He put it all back together again. He redeemed creation.
Redemption is beautiful. So the past is beautiful. It is not something to regret, it is something to provide a contrast to what we are living in the present so that we can be more grateful to Yahweh having known lack than we would have been if we'd only ever lived in plenty. So that Yahweh can be seen as more glorious for having redeemed what was broken. Because I don't think I would know how perfect my life really is right now if I had not known the oppression that I lived in before.
The horrible and wonderful process of redemption allows me to know Yahweh. He is worth it. So I am so grateful for the process.
None of this is wrong, but I find there is another reason for not regretting the past that is not talked about nearly so often. Redemption.
Redemption is when Yahweh takes something that was broken and makes it whole again, when He makes sure that something negative becomes positive, when He takes what was never meant to be and turns it into the very thing that He had envisioned from before the foundations of the world. Redemption is beautiful. Redemption is amazing. Redemption is glorious.
Think about the state of the world right now. Wars and poverty, hatred and death. All throughout history we've had genocides, murders, depravity. The worst of the worst that can happen when man tells Yahweh that He doesn't get to be a part of the very world He created. If you're like me, you can see the degradation that society is existing in right now. The laws the United States has recently enacted, the militant anti-Christ that is working in this world. It all points to destruction and that can easily lead to despair.
But think of all that which seems to be utterly insane, a one-way ticket to Hell in a hand basket. Then think about redemption. The realization that Yahweh can actually fix all of that, that He can take the people who are enacting these horrors and perpetuating these evils and change their hearts and make them do the very opposite of what they've done all their lives. The only requirement for Him to be able to do that is that a man let Him into His heart and give Him free access to work His redemptive power therein.
I think about Paul, formerly Saul of Tarsus, who was part of the biggest detriment to the growth of Yahweh's Kingdom that existed in his time. He actively persecuted and killed Christians, even holding the cloaks of the men who martyred Stephen. He felt no remorse for this; he thought he was doing the right thing. He would have continued to persecute and murder Christians for the rest of his life believing that this is what he was supposed to be doing. Yet, when He met Yahshua on the road to Damascus, He was changed from the inside out. Allowing Yahshua to work in Him and through Him, He became one of the greatest assets to the growth of Yahweh's Kingdom. He wrote 2/3 of the New Testaments, started countless ecclesiae in the Mediterranean, the Middle East, and Asia Minor, and was responsible for the spread of the Gospel to the Gentiles.
Redemption.
It is utterly amazing that Yahweh was able to change such a man so thoroughly, use his life so completely that we, today, are still benefiting from his faith and the things he did through his faith.
I look back at my own life. It is hard to describe the lack of freedom I once walked in. I was clinically depressed from the age of 10. I still remember the summer I first began to take Prozac. I was just about to start 5th grade and I was so embarrassed that there was something wrong with me that I didn't want anyone to know I had to take that daily pill. Over time, I began to wallow in the sadness, to believe that nobody would or ever could love me. I gained so much weight that I topped out at 387 pounds. I tried to hide away from the world because I was afraid of it. All it ever did was hurt me, and I was sure all I could ever do to it was be a detriment. I did not look too far into the future because I was afraid that what I would find there, all I could ever be, was more of what I was then living in. A psychiatrist told me that I could expect a major depressive episode at least once a year for the rest of my life. Why, then, would I want to continue living? I hated myself, I hated my life, and I knew vaguely that there was a God out there who had sent His Son to die for me, but I did not have the relationship with Him that I do now.
Yet, He was there for me all along, and the life I live now is exceedingly, abundantly beyond anything I could have ever imagined or dreamed. I was healed of depression, I've lost 200 pounds, I have a job where I am helping people and doing good in the world. I have friends that love me and whom I trust. And what's even more amazing? When I look to the future, I only see more joy, more beauty. One day I shall have a husband and children. One day I shall change the world. And what I see is not even all that will be because even that shall be exceeded, more abundant.
It would be easy for me to regret the past. Sometimes, I wish I'd had the freedom I do now when I was in college or high school. My life would've been a lot different. I would've been one of those teenagers with friends who go hang out at the movies at night and have a curfew and parents who are waiting for you when you get home. But I didn't have that then. Instead, I have what I have now, and I get to hang out late at night with friends all the time.
Because Yahweh has returned to me everything I'd lost.
And so I am grateful for the past. For the horrible times and the times when I was just holding on to life by a thread. I could easily have died, for suicide presented itself as an option to me many times over the years. But I did not because of Yahweh. Because I knew my life was and is His and I did not want to steal it from Him as the last thing I did on this earth.
Then look where He has taken me. The contrast between what was and what is is unfathomable to those who haven't seen it, haven't lived it, themselves. Yet, I believe that the contrast gives Yahweh a greater glory and I hope it will show others, as Paul's life did, that Yahweh can truly do what is impossible in any situation so long as He is given access. Trust Him. He is good.
Because redemption is beautiful. How can any being take all that is horrible and ugly in this world and make it perfect again? But that is what Yahweh will do, what He did when Yahshua died on the cross and said, "It is finished." When He said "finished," He didn't just mean done. He meant perfected. In other words, He said, "It is perfect again." Perfect again... Redeemed.
Yahweh... He created an infinite universe that was utterly perfect. He put every intersection of space and time, of people and places, of hearts and beings and feelings, everything that ever was, is, or could ever be He mapped out and made to flow perfectly. The unrolling of creation was the perfect symphony of harmonic sounds, the perfect blend of colors on a canvas, the perfect combination of words in a poem. And then it was broken, slashed into an infinite number of minute pieces that we as part of creation kept trying to fix but could never have fixed because the pieces were so small that we couldn't even see them. Yet He fixed it. He put it all back together again. He redeemed creation.
Redemption is beautiful. So the past is beautiful. It is not something to regret, it is something to provide a contrast to what we are living in the present so that we can be more grateful to Yahweh having known lack than we would have been if we'd only ever lived in plenty. So that Yahweh can be seen as more glorious for having redeemed what was broken. Because I don't think I would know how perfect my life really is right now if I had not known the oppression that I lived in before.
The horrible and wonderful process of redemption allows me to know Yahweh. He is worth it. So I am so grateful for the process.
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Walking on Water
Matthew 14:22-33 tells the familiar story of Yahshua walking on water. I won't recite it all here, but basically as He is walking toward the disciples out of the storm, they are all very frightened because they think He is a ghost. In their minds, only a ghostly being could walk upon water.
When He calls out, "Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid." Peter answers Him saying that if it really is Him, He should call out to Peter and Peter would get out of the boat and walk on the water to Him.
Now, Peter is often disparaged in this story, but consider the faith it took for him to get out of the boat. Then, when he starts to sink--for the waves were strong--he called out, "Lord save me!"
Every time I've heard this story, I have heard Peter derided a bit. Yes, he has been given credit for getting out of the boat, but it is often said of him that he "had starting faith but not finishing faith" or that he "began to doubt halfway there that he could even walk on water." Tonight, Yahweh showed me something different.
Because when you start to sink, crying out to Yahshua to save you is the exact right thing to do. There is nothing wrong with, when you're out on the water--walking in your purpose--and the waves start rising--opposition comes against you--you going back to Yahweh and rest in His Presence and have Him remind you that He is Lord and He can save you.
Which is all Yahshua was doing when He reached out and said, "Oh ye of little faith. Why did you doubt?"
Because Peter was not doubting simply that he could walk on water. He was doubting the Christ. Yahshua was saying, "Why did you doubt yourself? Why did you doubt I would save you? Why did you ever think it was even possible for you to sink and drown? Don't you trust me?"
And when He reached out His hand and saved Peter, Peter did have finishing faith because Peter did not drown. Peter got back up and walked back to the boat with Yahshua.
Now look at our lives. I am in the middle of my second week of school with students. Before school started, I was all gung-ho walking in freedom and, "Let's go walk and run and dance and play on the water!"
Then, the waves started getting higher. Some things happened that were not expected and not pleasant, and while sometimes I responded right, I know there are times when I started to sink. There was definitely one night when I had to cry out, "Lord save me!" Does that mean I failed? That I didn't have enough faith? No, because I called out to my Lord, my Christ, and He did save me. He showed me this:
Never believe you are sinking. Never doubt you are walking on a solid surface. It is not the exterior appearance of the surface that you are walking on, whether that be water or cement or rock or sand, but the internal Presence of Holiness that causes the surface to be smooth and steady, certain and solid. This--Holy Spirit--makes your path sure, for did He not promise to direct you paths if you trusted Him with all your heart? (Proverbs 3:5-6) He did not specify out of what material your path would be made. He only said it would be a path and that He would direct you in it.
Also, my awesome friend brought the song "Oceans" by Hillsong United back into my life last night. I hadn't listened to it in a while, but it is an amazing song. The whole thing is about walking on oceans and trusting Yahweh no matter what and I remembered tonight as I was listening to the Spanish version that "Oceans" was the first song I tried to dance to in November 2013.
Because in November 2013, I mysteriously and temporarily lost the ability to walk for a time. I regained that ability slowly and with practice and I have received a lot of revelation from it. One day, the first time I could take a shower by myself again, I was in the bathroom at my parents' house and I was listening to "Oceans" and walking in a circle (because that was all the dancing I could do at the time.) I was worshipping Yahweh and walking. How marvelous is the ability to walk!
But I remembered that tonight and it made me realize this: you cannot walk on the water if you cannot walk at all. The external, the circumstances and the surfaces we are called to walk on, is not the issue. The issue is what--Who--is inside of us. Because the Christ in me is the hope of glory. It is He who taught me to walk again. It is He who gives me the courage to step into what seems impossible and it is He who will keep me safe and sound until I reach the other side, until impossibility becomes commonplace and His glory is complete.
HalleluYah! I can walk on water! My Christ is in me and He will keep me safe wherever I go.
When He calls out, "Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid." Peter answers Him saying that if it really is Him, He should call out to Peter and Peter would get out of the boat and walk on the water to Him.
Now, Peter is often disparaged in this story, but consider the faith it took for him to get out of the boat. Then, when he starts to sink--for the waves were strong--he called out, "Lord save me!"
Every time I've heard this story, I have heard Peter derided a bit. Yes, he has been given credit for getting out of the boat, but it is often said of him that he "had starting faith but not finishing faith" or that he "began to doubt halfway there that he could even walk on water." Tonight, Yahweh showed me something different.
Because when you start to sink, crying out to Yahshua to save you is the exact right thing to do. There is nothing wrong with, when you're out on the water--walking in your purpose--and the waves start rising--opposition comes against you--you going back to Yahweh and rest in His Presence and have Him remind you that He is Lord and He can save you.
Which is all Yahshua was doing when He reached out and said, "Oh ye of little faith. Why did you doubt?"
Because Peter was not doubting simply that he could walk on water. He was doubting the Christ. Yahshua was saying, "Why did you doubt yourself? Why did you doubt I would save you? Why did you ever think it was even possible for you to sink and drown? Don't you trust me?"
And when He reached out His hand and saved Peter, Peter did have finishing faith because Peter did not drown. Peter got back up and walked back to the boat with Yahshua.
Now look at our lives. I am in the middle of my second week of school with students. Before school started, I was all gung-ho walking in freedom and, "Let's go walk and run and dance and play on the water!"
Then, the waves started getting higher. Some things happened that were not expected and not pleasant, and while sometimes I responded right, I know there are times when I started to sink. There was definitely one night when I had to cry out, "Lord save me!" Does that mean I failed? That I didn't have enough faith? No, because I called out to my Lord, my Christ, and He did save me. He showed me this:
Never believe you are sinking. Never doubt you are walking on a solid surface. It is not the exterior appearance of the surface that you are walking on, whether that be water or cement or rock or sand, but the internal Presence of Holiness that causes the surface to be smooth and steady, certain and solid. This--Holy Spirit--makes your path sure, for did He not promise to direct you paths if you trusted Him with all your heart? (Proverbs 3:5-6) He did not specify out of what material your path would be made. He only said it would be a path and that He would direct you in it.
Also, my awesome friend brought the song "Oceans" by Hillsong United back into my life last night. I hadn't listened to it in a while, but it is an amazing song. The whole thing is about walking on oceans and trusting Yahweh no matter what and I remembered tonight as I was listening to the Spanish version that "Oceans" was the first song I tried to dance to in November 2013.
Because in November 2013, I mysteriously and temporarily lost the ability to walk for a time. I regained that ability slowly and with practice and I have received a lot of revelation from it. One day, the first time I could take a shower by myself again, I was in the bathroom at my parents' house and I was listening to "Oceans" and walking in a circle (because that was all the dancing I could do at the time.) I was worshipping Yahweh and walking. How marvelous is the ability to walk!
But I remembered that tonight and it made me realize this: you cannot walk on the water if you cannot walk at all. The external, the circumstances and the surfaces we are called to walk on, is not the issue. The issue is what--Who--is inside of us. Because the Christ in me is the hope of glory. It is He who taught me to walk again. It is He who gives me the courage to step into what seems impossible and it is He who will keep me safe and sound until I reach the other side, until impossibility becomes commonplace and His glory is complete.
HalleluYah! I can walk on water! My Christ is in me and He will keep me safe wherever I go.
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Testing, Testing....
I've been thinking a lot about testing lately. As a teacher, I know what testing is for, and I use it a lot in my job. We all know what it is like when Yahweh tests us.
Our response to a test determines how we view the concept of testing. If we were poor test-takers in school or if tests produced fear and anxiety in us, we are not likely to view testing as a positive thing. The anxiety comes from the worry that we will not pass the test, that we will somehow fail and have to go through the whole process of learning again just so that we can come to another time of testing and attempt to pass once more.
I was always a good test-taker in school, largely because I have a good memory and a good grasp of writing, so tests in school never bothered me. However, until recently, the tests that Yahweh gave me always produced a feeling of anxiety. Firstly, I had that fear of "what if I respond wrongly and have to go through this whole process again?" Secondly, I always felt that the reason I was being tested was because I had done something wrong.
As a teacher, I know better. We do not give tests arbitrarily. We give tests when we come to the end of a unit, when we are sure that our kids have learned everything they need to learn to pass this test, and when we think they have all the tools needed to do well. No teacher wants their students to fail. I have, many times, postponed a quiz on the day I planned to give it because I saw that my students just weren't ready.
A friend once told me that she saw tests as an opportunity to show everyone how smart she was.
This is how we should view tests too, for Yahweh is a good teacher, certainly better than I. He does not throw tests at us at random times. He gives them to us when He knows we're ready for them. He has taught us a concept, given us a revelation, and now He is showing us what we know. He is omniscient, so He knows what we know. He does not need to test us to see what we are capable of. We, however, need to see what we are capable of.
So He gives us a test, not because we've done something wrong but because we've done something right, because we've moved into a place of maturity where we have learned enough to be tested on something. He gives us a test to cement what we know in us, so that we can never doubt that we know what we know.
Because once we've passed that test, any subsequent adversity that tries to come against us and say that we don't really know something seems silly. We can hold up that passing of the test and say, "Oh, no! You can't fool me. I know what I know!"
Testing is a good thing, though it doesn't always seem so in the moment. It is a sign of maturity and the ending of a season. Once we pass that test, we move on to the next unit, the next concept, the next revelation, the next dimension. We needn't be tested on that concept again, or at least not in that way. Yes, that concept may show up on a later test, in a later unit, but it will be more in depth, more detailed. You're only going to learn more! You're only going to grow!
And then there's the pre-test. That test you take before you start a unit so that your teacher can tell what they need to hit hard and what they can quickly mention and move on from. Pre-tests tell you what you already know, and then they tell you what you're going to learn.
Again, pre-tests are not bad. We cannot be perfect yet, so we cannot know everything. It is no shame to need to learn something, and pre-tests give us direction. They, too, can give us confidence because often we know more than we think. Still, even in the things we don't know, we find that Yahweh is a patient teacher and that He will teach us all that we need so that, when we come to the test at the end of the unit, we will see how much improvement we have made since the beginning.
Sometimes, the contrast is a beautiful thing.
Our response to a test determines how we view the concept of testing. If we were poor test-takers in school or if tests produced fear and anxiety in us, we are not likely to view testing as a positive thing. The anxiety comes from the worry that we will not pass the test, that we will somehow fail and have to go through the whole process of learning again just so that we can come to another time of testing and attempt to pass once more.
I was always a good test-taker in school, largely because I have a good memory and a good grasp of writing, so tests in school never bothered me. However, until recently, the tests that Yahweh gave me always produced a feeling of anxiety. Firstly, I had that fear of "what if I respond wrongly and have to go through this whole process again?" Secondly, I always felt that the reason I was being tested was because I had done something wrong.
As a teacher, I know better. We do not give tests arbitrarily. We give tests when we come to the end of a unit, when we are sure that our kids have learned everything they need to learn to pass this test, and when we think they have all the tools needed to do well. No teacher wants their students to fail. I have, many times, postponed a quiz on the day I planned to give it because I saw that my students just weren't ready.
A friend once told me that she saw tests as an opportunity to show everyone how smart she was.
This is how we should view tests too, for Yahweh is a good teacher, certainly better than I. He does not throw tests at us at random times. He gives them to us when He knows we're ready for them. He has taught us a concept, given us a revelation, and now He is showing us what we know. He is omniscient, so He knows what we know. He does not need to test us to see what we are capable of. We, however, need to see what we are capable of.
So He gives us a test, not because we've done something wrong but because we've done something right, because we've moved into a place of maturity where we have learned enough to be tested on something. He gives us a test to cement what we know in us, so that we can never doubt that we know what we know.
Because once we've passed that test, any subsequent adversity that tries to come against us and say that we don't really know something seems silly. We can hold up that passing of the test and say, "Oh, no! You can't fool me. I know what I know!"
Testing is a good thing, though it doesn't always seem so in the moment. It is a sign of maturity and the ending of a season. Once we pass that test, we move on to the next unit, the next concept, the next revelation, the next dimension. We needn't be tested on that concept again, or at least not in that way. Yes, that concept may show up on a later test, in a later unit, but it will be more in depth, more detailed. You're only going to learn more! You're only going to grow!
And then there's the pre-test. That test you take before you start a unit so that your teacher can tell what they need to hit hard and what they can quickly mention and move on from. Pre-tests tell you what you already know, and then they tell you what you're going to learn.
Again, pre-tests are not bad. We cannot be perfect yet, so we cannot know everything. It is no shame to need to learn something, and pre-tests give us direction. They, too, can give us confidence because often we know more than we think. Still, even in the things we don't know, we find that Yahweh is a patient teacher and that He will teach us all that we need so that, when we come to the test at the end of the unit, we will see how much improvement we have made since the beginning.
Sometimes, the contrast is a beautiful thing.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Life Lessons from a Hornet
Last night, I came home exhausted from a long day working in the sun and then going to ecclesia, which is always awesome, but ends late. Also, it's the annual end-of-summer threshold. All I wanted to do when I got home point was go to sleep. It was about midnight when I was ready to do so.
I was journaling after ecclesia just before bed when I notice a giant (huge, enormous) insect flying around my room. It looked somewhat like a hornet or wasp-type thing, and though I wasn't actually close enough to examine it, the possibility that it was a stinging type insect was there and real.
I have been afraid of stinging insects, and basically insects in general, since I was six years old.
So I spent the next hour trying to find the stupid sucker because it disappeared and I wanted to kill it and sleep because I was pretty sure I couldn't sleep unless I found it, but I had to find it and spray it because I didn't really want to get close to that sucker. Plus, the last place I saw it was RIGHT BY MY HEADBOARD! I was miserable and crying and yes, I cussed that...insect...out a bit.
Ironically, I had been learning about fear recently. Kingdom people have no room to fear, and every year at the end of summer, the enemy tries to put me through the fear-wringer. This year, Yahweh has given me so much beautiful revelation and peace that the internal fear that the enemy used in years past wasn't strong enough to distract me as it had been.
Enter the hornet. Because if the enemy can't distract you with one fear, he will try another. Yes, on the grand scheme of things, fearing being stung by an insect is small and stupid, but it was a distraction that kept me from going to sleep for an extra hour when I really needed sleep. I doubt Yahweh needed me to focus on the stupid insect when we could've been resting or talking together about something else!
All of this showed me that even the stupid little fears we have need to go. I have learned that it's not my job to get rid of them, however, but simply to trust Yahweh and allow Him to remove them.
I never did find that hornet. I spoke death over it, so I hope that it is dead and gone and will never torment me again. (Because, really, it is trespassing! This is my metron and I did NOT invite any insects into it!) But I did go to sleep. I slept through the night with a hornet in my room. It may still be here somewhere. But I am at peace because I trust Yahweh. Trusting Yahweh is the only way to have peace.
And for whatever fears my try to come against me:
I am not a slave to fear
For Yahweh's called me,
brought me here
He takes my hand and leads me in
To places where I've longed to go.
I was journaling after ecclesia just before bed when I notice a giant (huge, enormous) insect flying around my room. It looked somewhat like a hornet or wasp-type thing, and though I wasn't actually close enough to examine it, the possibility that it was a stinging type insect was there and real.
I have been afraid of stinging insects, and basically insects in general, since I was six years old.
So I spent the next hour trying to find the stupid sucker because it disappeared and I wanted to kill it and sleep because I was pretty sure I couldn't sleep unless I found it, but I had to find it and spray it because I didn't really want to get close to that sucker. Plus, the last place I saw it was RIGHT BY MY HEADBOARD! I was miserable and crying and yes, I cussed that...insect...out a bit.
Ironically, I had been learning about fear recently. Kingdom people have no room to fear, and every year at the end of summer, the enemy tries to put me through the fear-wringer. This year, Yahweh has given me so much beautiful revelation and peace that the internal fear that the enemy used in years past wasn't strong enough to distract me as it had been.
Enter the hornet. Because if the enemy can't distract you with one fear, he will try another. Yes, on the grand scheme of things, fearing being stung by an insect is small and stupid, but it was a distraction that kept me from going to sleep for an extra hour when I really needed sleep. I doubt Yahweh needed me to focus on the stupid insect when we could've been resting or talking together about something else!
All of this showed me that even the stupid little fears we have need to go. I have learned that it's not my job to get rid of them, however, but simply to trust Yahweh and allow Him to remove them.
I never did find that hornet. I spoke death over it, so I hope that it is dead and gone and will never torment me again. (Because, really, it is trespassing! This is my metron and I did NOT invite any insects into it!) But I did go to sleep. I slept through the night with a hornet in my room. It may still be here somewhere. But I am at peace because I trust Yahweh. Trusting Yahweh is the only way to have peace.
And for whatever fears my try to come against me:
I am not a slave to fear
For Yahweh's called me,
brought me here
He takes my hand and leads me in
To places where I've longed to go.
Thursday, July 30, 2015
My Amazing Summer
Wow. This summer has been amazing. I love walking out my life with Yahweh because I am never the same person from month to month. I love growing and changing and being more of who He made me to be before the beginning of time.
I am a vastly different person leaving this summer than I was when it began. I walk in new revelations, I live in a new place, and I have stood on foreign soil.
The most amazing thing about this summer, I would say, is that Yahweh has taught me some things about life, about Him, and about me. I have learned to trust Him more, to believe that whatever I experience in life is in His power. No, He will not cause bad things to happen or even allow bad things to happen as if that is His desire all along. Yet, in His sovereignty, He can redeem all of the things that happen to me and make them good. He has made me good. Sovereignty is amazing because somehow, some unfathomable way, He made justice and mercy one again. He fixed everything.
I have learned that I am not broken; not a terrible person or a waste of space. I am not something that needs to be fixed, improved upon, or put back together again. I was, but I am not anymore, for Yahweh has made me whole. He has given me life and revelation of that life so that I can actually walk in it instead of only hoping for it. He has shown me that He loves me and, though I am not perfect, all I have to do to grow is let Him work in me. I don't have to strive or make things happen. Again, all I have to do is trust Him.
I have learned about the immutability of Yahweh. He will never change, His Word will never change, His will toward me will never change. I cannot break His Kingdom or make Him stop loving me any more than I can fix myself or make myself holy.
And then, He gave me a house. It's a little house, cute and perfect for me and my dog. The rent is less than it was in my apartment, and the house has so many beautiful windows. I don't have horribly loud neighbors playing the bass at all hours of the night or smoking illicit substances downstairs. My windows are open to see Yahweh's beautiful nature that He created. My yard is large and green and my landlord mows it for me. And Yahweh gave it to me to live in. Tired of apartments, I searched for a house online and none of them were in my budget range; it was not even doable to be able to live in a house on my own. Just when I began to give up, my coworker offers me this house to live in. He gave it to me, I did not have to seek it out.
And then I went to London. I've read so much about it, I know so much of English history, and to see the places I've always read about, paintings I've seen online that I'd never seen in person. To stand on foundations that were thousands of years old and touch soil that was not the land I was born in. It was amazing and it was marvelous. And I couldn't have ever afforded it without Yahweh. He gave me this, too. And then He used it to teach me some things about people, about being in a family and loving people no matter what happens and knowing that they will always love you, too.
Finally, I got a new car. It is used, but new to me. It had less than 17,000 miles on it and it is less than a year old. It is exactly what I've dreamed of in a car since I rented one in 2011. It has all the latest technological capabilities and everything I wanted. Again, I could never have afforded it without Yahweh. The car retails used for $2,000-$3,000 more than I could pay, and my trade-in was damaged. Still, I was diligent and I believed that He would give me the car He had for me. I did research and test-driving for two months, and then I felt a peace, like my car was out there. One day, I'm looking up cars on the Internet and I find it. The exact car I want with everything I wanted on it for an exactly affordable price. It was only $200 above wholesale value and I drove 3 hours to get it. Driving home in my new silver car was the sweetest experience. Again, Yahweh gave it to me. While I was faithful in my part of research, I did not seek out or jump at bad offers that were "almost right." I waited for Him to give me the right car, and when I found it, I knew.
It has been a beautiful summer, and my visions of the future are bright and beautiful. I am being called on to operate in some of the graces Yahweh has placed in me in new ways next year. I get to pour into the lives of many children that I love. I finally get to feel like I know what I'm doing. And I will walk into this next school year a different person than I left the last one. More confident, more steady, more me.
It is the year of shining brightly and it is time, once again, to bring Yahweh's glory into the Earth in new ways, expanding His Kingdom one step at a time. I am Faithful and He is perfectly faithful. And as I cross this threshold into the new school year, I do so in faith and confidence because I am graced for this. I am not broken. I am capable of all things in Yahweh.
It is such an amazing thing to be at peace with my God and myself.
Thank You, Yahweh!
I am a vastly different person leaving this summer than I was when it began. I walk in new revelations, I live in a new place, and I have stood on foreign soil.
The most amazing thing about this summer, I would say, is that Yahweh has taught me some things about life, about Him, and about me. I have learned to trust Him more, to believe that whatever I experience in life is in His power. No, He will not cause bad things to happen or even allow bad things to happen as if that is His desire all along. Yet, in His sovereignty, He can redeem all of the things that happen to me and make them good. He has made me good. Sovereignty is amazing because somehow, some unfathomable way, He made justice and mercy one again. He fixed everything.
I have learned that I am not broken; not a terrible person or a waste of space. I am not something that needs to be fixed, improved upon, or put back together again. I was, but I am not anymore, for Yahweh has made me whole. He has given me life and revelation of that life so that I can actually walk in it instead of only hoping for it. He has shown me that He loves me and, though I am not perfect, all I have to do to grow is let Him work in me. I don't have to strive or make things happen. Again, all I have to do is trust Him.
I have learned about the immutability of Yahweh. He will never change, His Word will never change, His will toward me will never change. I cannot break His Kingdom or make Him stop loving me any more than I can fix myself or make myself holy.
And then, He gave me a house. It's a little house, cute and perfect for me and my dog. The rent is less than it was in my apartment, and the house has so many beautiful windows. I don't have horribly loud neighbors playing the bass at all hours of the night or smoking illicit substances downstairs. My windows are open to see Yahweh's beautiful nature that He created. My yard is large and green and my landlord mows it for me. And Yahweh gave it to me to live in. Tired of apartments, I searched for a house online and none of them were in my budget range; it was not even doable to be able to live in a house on my own. Just when I began to give up, my coworker offers me this house to live in. He gave it to me, I did not have to seek it out.
And then I went to London. I've read so much about it, I know so much of English history, and to see the places I've always read about, paintings I've seen online that I'd never seen in person. To stand on foundations that were thousands of years old and touch soil that was not the land I was born in. It was amazing and it was marvelous. And I couldn't have ever afforded it without Yahweh. He gave me this, too. And then He used it to teach me some things about people, about being in a family and loving people no matter what happens and knowing that they will always love you, too.
Finally, I got a new car. It is used, but new to me. It had less than 17,000 miles on it and it is less than a year old. It is exactly what I've dreamed of in a car since I rented one in 2011. It has all the latest technological capabilities and everything I wanted. Again, I could never have afforded it without Yahweh. The car retails used for $2,000-$3,000 more than I could pay, and my trade-in was damaged. Still, I was diligent and I believed that He would give me the car He had for me. I did research and test-driving for two months, and then I felt a peace, like my car was out there. One day, I'm looking up cars on the Internet and I find it. The exact car I want with everything I wanted on it for an exactly affordable price. It was only $200 above wholesale value and I drove 3 hours to get it. Driving home in my new silver car was the sweetest experience. Again, Yahweh gave it to me. While I was faithful in my part of research, I did not seek out or jump at bad offers that were "almost right." I waited for Him to give me the right car, and when I found it, I knew.
It has been a beautiful summer, and my visions of the future are bright and beautiful. I am being called on to operate in some of the graces Yahweh has placed in me in new ways next year. I get to pour into the lives of many children that I love. I finally get to feel like I know what I'm doing. And I will walk into this next school year a different person than I left the last one. More confident, more steady, more me.
It is the year of shining brightly and it is time, once again, to bring Yahweh's glory into the Earth in new ways, expanding His Kingdom one step at a time. I am Faithful and He is perfectly faithful. And as I cross this threshold into the new school year, I do so in faith and confidence because I am graced for this. I am not broken. I am capable of all things in Yahweh.
It is such an amazing thing to be at peace with my God and myself.
Thank You, Yahweh!
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
You Are Not Broken
I'm writing this post, being real, in hopes that it will help someone else who has gone through similar things to what I've been through. I know many women, and probably men, too, go through these kinds of things. For absolutely no explainable reason, and through no fault of our own, we hate ourselves.
I don't know what it is about us that makes us downplay our strengths and highlight our faults in our own minds, but it is all too easy to do. Even when there's no specific fault in view, often there is a general discontent with who we are as people. Then, there are the actual flaws that are inherent in being human. Heaven forbid I actually make a mistake on the job or someone next door does something better than me! I just must be too terrible of a person. Somehow, I failed. I didn't try hard enough, I was too lazy to bother, I just can't do it as well. It would probably be easier if I just didn't exist. After all, I take more from the world than I give to it.
It doesn't even really help to know that the person next door who does such a good job at what I cannot do is feeling the exact same way I am for equally ridiculous reasons.
I have to believe that this is all part of the fall, a ploy of the enemy to keep us from returning to Yahweh, who really, really, really wants us back. I mean, He wants us back so much that He was willing to cut Himself off from His own perfect Son and sacrifice Him on a cross, gruesomely, to get us back. But He can't make us come back to Him, and if we are so sure we're not worthy of it, we may never come. Clever enemy. He can't stop Yahweh from loving us, so he decided to do the next best thing and stop us from loving ourselves.
And this self-loathing is not based in reality, so it cannot be reasoned away. That bad day on the job? Yes, realistically it was one bad day in which I was simply tired and so were the kids and so I lost my temper. Still, I must be the worst teacher in the world, right? I mean, who yells at children? Or maybe I just might make a mistake later today... Perhaps I, even with the best of intentions, might unintentionally sin, or even give into temptation and intentionally do something I know to be wrong. The fear of messing up in the future is just as hampering as the regret over having messed up in the past, and just as unwarranted, for it denies the power of Yahweh to redeem and fix any mistakes that I might make. As if the power I have to mess up is greater than Yahweh's power of redemption. My heart is pure. I desire to please Yahweh. He is big enough to ensure that I do.
So if self-deprecation can't be reasoned away, can't be argued away, what can we do? We could, perhaps, strive really hard and work our tails off to be better than that teacher or neighbor next door or become super saintly and do a lot of really good deeds and avoid doing bad things? Except that self-confidence based on what I do only lasts as long as that good deed. It's impossible to stay on top forever when striving in our own efforts. We just don't have enough energy to be the best all the time. If we did, we wouldn't need Holy Spirit and the power of Yahweh to save us.
So if we can't reason away self-loathing, and if we can't be good enough to outdistance it, then what? The answer is simple. Our self-worth must not be based on something as arbitrary as feelings or as changing as our own actions or comparisons to others. It must be based on something that is constant, steady, unchanging. It must be based on Yahweh Himself. On His unchanging Word.
And do you know what the most amazing thing is? His Word is that we are not broken. We are not bad. There is nothing wrong with us. He has redeemed us. All we have to do is let Him, is believe this truth. No matter what we've done or thought or not done enough, no matter what we might do tomorrow or fail to do the next day, we are not broken. We are loved. This will not change, and as long as we allow Yahweh to operate in our lives, we can never be broken. We can never be less-than. And we can allow ourselves to accept the one thing we've always desired all of our lives, the Love of Yahweh. We can come home.
So think about that. Make the enemy's day horrible and love yourself, for Yahweh loves you. He accepts you. You are not broken.
I don't know what it is about us that makes us downplay our strengths and highlight our faults in our own minds, but it is all too easy to do. Even when there's no specific fault in view, often there is a general discontent with who we are as people. Then, there are the actual flaws that are inherent in being human. Heaven forbid I actually make a mistake on the job or someone next door does something better than me! I just must be too terrible of a person. Somehow, I failed. I didn't try hard enough, I was too lazy to bother, I just can't do it as well. It would probably be easier if I just didn't exist. After all, I take more from the world than I give to it.
It doesn't even really help to know that the person next door who does such a good job at what I cannot do is feeling the exact same way I am for equally ridiculous reasons.
I have to believe that this is all part of the fall, a ploy of the enemy to keep us from returning to Yahweh, who really, really, really wants us back. I mean, He wants us back so much that He was willing to cut Himself off from His own perfect Son and sacrifice Him on a cross, gruesomely, to get us back. But He can't make us come back to Him, and if we are so sure we're not worthy of it, we may never come. Clever enemy. He can't stop Yahweh from loving us, so he decided to do the next best thing and stop us from loving ourselves.
And this self-loathing is not based in reality, so it cannot be reasoned away. That bad day on the job? Yes, realistically it was one bad day in which I was simply tired and so were the kids and so I lost my temper. Still, I must be the worst teacher in the world, right? I mean, who yells at children? Or maybe I just might make a mistake later today... Perhaps I, even with the best of intentions, might unintentionally sin, or even give into temptation and intentionally do something I know to be wrong. The fear of messing up in the future is just as hampering as the regret over having messed up in the past, and just as unwarranted, for it denies the power of Yahweh to redeem and fix any mistakes that I might make. As if the power I have to mess up is greater than Yahweh's power of redemption. My heart is pure. I desire to please Yahweh. He is big enough to ensure that I do.
So if self-deprecation can't be reasoned away, can't be argued away, what can we do? We could, perhaps, strive really hard and work our tails off to be better than that teacher or neighbor next door or become super saintly and do a lot of really good deeds and avoid doing bad things? Except that self-confidence based on what I do only lasts as long as that good deed. It's impossible to stay on top forever when striving in our own efforts. We just don't have enough energy to be the best all the time. If we did, we wouldn't need Holy Spirit and the power of Yahweh to save us.
So if we can't reason away self-loathing, and if we can't be good enough to outdistance it, then what? The answer is simple. Our self-worth must not be based on something as arbitrary as feelings or as changing as our own actions or comparisons to others. It must be based on something that is constant, steady, unchanging. It must be based on Yahweh Himself. On His unchanging Word.
And do you know what the most amazing thing is? His Word is that we are not broken. We are not bad. There is nothing wrong with us. He has redeemed us. All we have to do is let Him, is believe this truth. No matter what we've done or thought or not done enough, no matter what we might do tomorrow or fail to do the next day, we are not broken. We are loved. This will not change, and as long as we allow Yahweh to operate in our lives, we can never be broken. We can never be less-than. And we can allow ourselves to accept the one thing we've always desired all of our lives, the Love of Yahweh. We can come home.
So think about that. Make the enemy's day horrible and love yourself, for Yahweh loves you. He accepts you. You are not broken.
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