I am continually amazed at the way in which Yahweh has hidden Himself throughout His creation for all of us to find. Some see Him in nature, some in other people's gifts of kindness or acts of love. I find Him in Words.
Christ-anointed one/anointing. He is the Spirit of Yahweh who operated through Yahshua when He was on the Earth and who currently operates through us if we give Him access to our hearts.
Mass-from the Latin mittere, meaning "to send."
Christmas- The sending of Christ! The coming to this realm, the Earth, of the Spirit of the Creator.
But oh, it's so much more than that, for this mittere is also the root word of Promise.
Why did Yahweh send His Son to the Earth? I'll be controversial and say that it was not simply so that He could die and save mankind from their sins. It is so much bigger than that! He sent Yahshua to Earth to unlock our Promised Land once again. That mankind could again be redeemed to the Garden of Eden--our own unique and special wheelhouses where we can express and create with Yahweh as we originally promised to do when we Covenanted with Him in the Beginning.
Yahshua came to Earth to redeem our Promise.
That is what we celebrate today on Christmas Eve and tomorrow on Christmas Day. It is more than a baby born in a manger, more than salvation from the sins that would ensnare us, it is the total redemption of the Promise that is our very existence and all that we do to express it.
This Promise, made before time in the Heavens, had to be affirmed on the Earth once the two were separated by the Fall. Thus that the Promise could be fulfilled in its entirety in all realms. Christmas is that affirmation, when Yahshua came to the Earth as the Word made Flesh, the Promise made Man.
Christmas is a Promise, and for those who will affirm the Promise in their own hearts and in their own lives, it is something that we can live in always, not just on December 25.
Glory to God in the Highest!
Saturday, December 24, 2016
Thursday, December 22, 2016
Looking for Adam (Thoughts on Marriage From a Single Person)
I have been thinking about families recently; it is Christmas, after all. More specifically, I was thinking about what an ideal family would look like and about the things that I have been longing for recently.
I am 28 years old, and though I very much see myself as a wife and a mother one day, I have never been on a date, never had a crush, never held hands with a boy. I'm still waiting on my first kiss! This is strange in today's world unless you're a very strict fundamentalist Christian. Yes, our ecclesia had a belief for a while that dating was inappropriate, but as the culture of our youth changed, so did that belief. Yet, I have never been tempted to date.
My parents imposed no rules on my in this regard. I'm sure they would have if I had shown any interest in dating, but it really never came up. It's not that I am unaware of the physical attributes of certain males. Yet, even when I was young, the idea of crushes based solely on physical attraction made no sense to me. I was 10 when the movie "Titanic" came out, and everybody my age and up was suddenly in love with Leonardo DiCaprio, to the point where it was strange not to be. I remember my mom telling me how she'd met one lady in a store who had a child around my age and they were discussing the movie. This lady was incredulous that I was not in love with Leonardo DiCaprio.
He was a very handsome actor, yet the idea of celebrity crushes always seemed odd to me. While acknowledging the fact that these men are attractive, even at age 10 I realized that I didn't know them. How would I know if they were good people or not? All I knew of them is what they showed to the media, and that's not the measure of a man.
As I got older, I thought that perhaps I'd meet someone with similar interests or life-goals. We'd share similar values. Of course, he'd be a Christian and we'd fall in love and get married someday. Never mind that at the time I had no idea who I was and there was no way I'd be ready for that. I didn't know how that would happen, either, but I never felt the compulsion to go out and find a man, even though having a husband and children is one of the deepest desires of my heart.
When I came into the Kingdom to a level where I had started to know myself, Yahweh revealed to me that a husband and wife are joined as one in a very specific order. Just as Yahweh is a Trinity, we are trinities, made up of spirit, soul, and body. He said that a husband and a wife had to be joined first by the spirit, then in the soul, and finally...on the wedding night... physically. I rejoiced in this revelation, for a relationship not based in spirit is somewhat superficial, and that is not the kind of relationship I wanted with my husband. Still, I felt no compunction to seek out a person to whom I could be so joined. Indeed, it was and is my conviction that the man should be the leader even in this and that meanwhile I can be intercession.
But as I said, I was thinking a lot about families recently and what I would ideally want in a husband. I am very prophetic, and there are things that I see that it's difficult to share with everybody, and I realized tonight that what I wanted most in a husband is someone with whom I can share those things. Then, Yahweh showed me that I am looking for my Adam.
You see, each of us was created with a specific Promised Land, a specific Garden of Eden for our lives. It is not necessarily a physical place, though some people find their calling very much in a specific plot of land. This Garden of Eden is the metron--the dominion--which Yahweh gave us from the Beginning. It is in this land that we are to rule and reign and where we have all authority as we submit to Yahweh God. Indeed, we can create in this Promised Land, even as Adam created with Yahweh naming all of the animals.
I have found my Garden of Eden, though I haven't explored it all yet. It is vast! It will take an eternity to explore. What I realized tonight is that I can settle for no less than the Adam to this Garden of Eden, the man who is willing to join the Covenant he made with Yahweh before time to the Covenant I made with Yahweh before time so that our Gardens become One. Then, we can rule and reign together, creating and expanding our Garden in infinite increase.
Oh, how I look forward to this, to being able to share the glories that I have seen with someone who will understand and appreciate it all, with someone who will help me govern and create with me. I am so glad that I have never thought to settle for anything less, and though I have not always been patient, sometimes waiting is key. For Yahweh told me recently that time can be an ingredient in creation.
I know that it will all be worth it in the end.
PS-- This is in no way meant to be condemnation or judgment of those who do choose to date. Yahweh can join people and Gardens in various ways. Who would I be to judge? This is just how He's done it for me.
I am 28 years old, and though I very much see myself as a wife and a mother one day, I have never been on a date, never had a crush, never held hands with a boy. I'm still waiting on my first kiss! This is strange in today's world unless you're a very strict fundamentalist Christian. Yes, our ecclesia had a belief for a while that dating was inappropriate, but as the culture of our youth changed, so did that belief. Yet, I have never been tempted to date.
My parents imposed no rules on my in this regard. I'm sure they would have if I had shown any interest in dating, but it really never came up. It's not that I am unaware of the physical attributes of certain males. Yet, even when I was young, the idea of crushes based solely on physical attraction made no sense to me. I was 10 when the movie "Titanic" came out, and everybody my age and up was suddenly in love with Leonardo DiCaprio, to the point where it was strange not to be. I remember my mom telling me how she'd met one lady in a store who had a child around my age and they were discussing the movie. This lady was incredulous that I was not in love with Leonardo DiCaprio.
He was a very handsome actor, yet the idea of celebrity crushes always seemed odd to me. While acknowledging the fact that these men are attractive, even at age 10 I realized that I didn't know them. How would I know if they were good people or not? All I knew of them is what they showed to the media, and that's not the measure of a man.
As I got older, I thought that perhaps I'd meet someone with similar interests or life-goals. We'd share similar values. Of course, he'd be a Christian and we'd fall in love and get married someday. Never mind that at the time I had no idea who I was and there was no way I'd be ready for that. I didn't know how that would happen, either, but I never felt the compulsion to go out and find a man, even though having a husband and children is one of the deepest desires of my heart.
When I came into the Kingdom to a level where I had started to know myself, Yahweh revealed to me that a husband and wife are joined as one in a very specific order. Just as Yahweh is a Trinity, we are trinities, made up of spirit, soul, and body. He said that a husband and a wife had to be joined first by the spirit, then in the soul, and finally...on the wedding night... physically. I rejoiced in this revelation, for a relationship not based in spirit is somewhat superficial, and that is not the kind of relationship I wanted with my husband. Still, I felt no compunction to seek out a person to whom I could be so joined. Indeed, it was and is my conviction that the man should be the leader even in this and that meanwhile I can be intercession.
But as I said, I was thinking a lot about families recently and what I would ideally want in a husband. I am very prophetic, and there are things that I see that it's difficult to share with everybody, and I realized tonight that what I wanted most in a husband is someone with whom I can share those things. Then, Yahweh showed me that I am looking for my Adam.
You see, each of us was created with a specific Promised Land, a specific Garden of Eden for our lives. It is not necessarily a physical place, though some people find their calling very much in a specific plot of land. This Garden of Eden is the metron--the dominion--which Yahweh gave us from the Beginning. It is in this land that we are to rule and reign and where we have all authority as we submit to Yahweh God. Indeed, we can create in this Promised Land, even as Adam created with Yahweh naming all of the animals.
I have found my Garden of Eden, though I haven't explored it all yet. It is vast! It will take an eternity to explore. What I realized tonight is that I can settle for no less than the Adam to this Garden of Eden, the man who is willing to join the Covenant he made with Yahweh before time to the Covenant I made with Yahweh before time so that our Gardens become One. Then, we can rule and reign together, creating and expanding our Garden in infinite increase.
Oh, how I look forward to this, to being able to share the glories that I have seen with someone who will understand and appreciate it all, with someone who will help me govern and create with me. I am so glad that I have never thought to settle for anything less, and though I have not always been patient, sometimes waiting is key. For Yahweh told me recently that time can be an ingredient in creation.
I know that it will all be worth it in the end.
PS-- This is in no way meant to be condemnation or judgment of those who do choose to date. Yahweh can join people and Gardens in various ways. Who would I be to judge? This is just how He's done it for me.
Saturday, December 17, 2016
The Power of the Promise
Once, in the center of infinite-eternity, in the very foundation of your life and all that you are, you and Yahweh came together in a Covenant and created a Promise.
It is this Promise that is immutable and governs your existence. It is to this Promise you must be faithful, choosing to follow Yahweh in all things so that you can bring this Promise to full manifestation to the point that it is something that not only you can see by faith, but all of the world can see and know that the hand of Yahweh has done this and give Him glory and honor in the Earth.
This Promise was a joint venture between you and Yahweh. Yahweh, the omnipotent God of Everything poured His entire Being into this venture. This Promise is only breakable by you, and if you are faithful, this Promise is omnipotent.
Everything stemming from your Promise is then omnipotent.
This gives me great hope and pleasure because it means that, as long as I am faithful, anything bad or negative that I experience cannot damage my Promise. It also gives me direction and focus. Do I need to spend time trying to avoid all the negative things that living in a fallen world can throw at me or do I need to focus on the Promise and the fact that nothing can hinder, stop, or come against it? "No weapon formed against me may prosper."
Nothing that tries to stop me in my Promise from being fulfilled has the possibility of hurting me! As I move deeper and deeper into my Promise, I begin to see more and more clearly and I can be less and less worried about these weapons that don't matter.
If I look back at my past, filled with depression, anxiety, loneliness, panic attack-inducing fear, and lack of identity and purpose, I can honestly say that none of that hurt my Promise. It was not fun. I never want to do it again. Yet I am still here and still enjoying the fullness of Yahweh and His Promise to me. Nothing out of my life has been stolen, and everything has been and is being redeemed. Yahweh is faithful! I am faithful!
Many times people look back at their past and that induces fear for the future. I remember when I was mired in depression and I only saw sadness ahead because that was basically all I could remember feeling. We tend to pattern our futures off of our pasts, reasoning in our finite minds that what has been will always be and unless we take great and sometimes futile efforts to change, our futures will be as miserable as our pasts were.
But Yahweh does not say that. In fact, when the temple was rebuilt in Jerusalem after the 70 years of captivity in Babylon, those who saw it wept at its lack of splendor and glory compared to the temple of Solomon. But Yahweh said that the glory of the latter temple should eclipse the glory of the former temple, and it was so when in that temple, Yahshua entered and taught about His Father. It was the veil in that temple that was torn in two from top to bottom, and it was that temple that was standing when it ceased to be the temple of Yahweh and that honor was given to us when Holy Spirit came upon man. That is glory, indeed!
We shall be so much more glorious. The glory of our futures shall completely eclipse the glory of the past and even the present, no matter how awful or wonderful the past was. In Yahweh, we can only ever increase. In Yahweh, nothing can ever stop that. Nothing can come against and stop your Promise from growing and expressing so long as you have the faith to see.
And even then, the Promise is finished and immutable. It is more firm and sure than the stars in the sky or the very foundation of the Earth. It is as Yahweh is, for it all exists in Him.
He who has eyes to see let him see, and he who has ears to hear let him hear! HalleluYah! Amen.
It is this Promise that is immutable and governs your existence. It is to this Promise you must be faithful, choosing to follow Yahweh in all things so that you can bring this Promise to full manifestation to the point that it is something that not only you can see by faith, but all of the world can see and know that the hand of Yahweh has done this and give Him glory and honor in the Earth.
This Promise was a joint venture between you and Yahweh. Yahweh, the omnipotent God of Everything poured His entire Being into this venture. This Promise is only breakable by you, and if you are faithful, this Promise is omnipotent.
Everything stemming from your Promise is then omnipotent.
This gives me great hope and pleasure because it means that, as long as I am faithful, anything bad or negative that I experience cannot damage my Promise. It also gives me direction and focus. Do I need to spend time trying to avoid all the negative things that living in a fallen world can throw at me or do I need to focus on the Promise and the fact that nothing can hinder, stop, or come against it? "No weapon formed against me may prosper."
Nothing that tries to stop me in my Promise from being fulfilled has the possibility of hurting me! As I move deeper and deeper into my Promise, I begin to see more and more clearly and I can be less and less worried about these weapons that don't matter.
If I look back at my past, filled with depression, anxiety, loneliness, panic attack-inducing fear, and lack of identity and purpose, I can honestly say that none of that hurt my Promise. It was not fun. I never want to do it again. Yet I am still here and still enjoying the fullness of Yahweh and His Promise to me. Nothing out of my life has been stolen, and everything has been and is being redeemed. Yahweh is faithful! I am faithful!
Many times people look back at their past and that induces fear for the future. I remember when I was mired in depression and I only saw sadness ahead because that was basically all I could remember feeling. We tend to pattern our futures off of our pasts, reasoning in our finite minds that what has been will always be and unless we take great and sometimes futile efforts to change, our futures will be as miserable as our pasts were.
But Yahweh does not say that. In fact, when the temple was rebuilt in Jerusalem after the 70 years of captivity in Babylon, those who saw it wept at its lack of splendor and glory compared to the temple of Solomon. But Yahweh said that the glory of the latter temple should eclipse the glory of the former temple, and it was so when in that temple, Yahshua entered and taught about His Father. It was the veil in that temple that was torn in two from top to bottom, and it was that temple that was standing when it ceased to be the temple of Yahweh and that honor was given to us when Holy Spirit came upon man. That is glory, indeed!
We shall be so much more glorious. The glory of our futures shall completely eclipse the glory of the past and even the present, no matter how awful or wonderful the past was. In Yahweh, we can only ever increase. In Yahweh, nothing can ever stop that. Nothing can come against and stop your Promise from growing and expressing so long as you have the faith to see.
And even then, the Promise is finished and immutable. It is more firm and sure than the stars in the sky or the very foundation of the Earth. It is as Yahweh is, for it all exists in Him.
He who has eyes to see let him see, and he who has ears to hear let him hear! HalleluYah! Amen.
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
PERFECTION
Perfection is not Yahweh's idea, at lest not as we currently understand the word. Perfection as we currently understand it means the totality of something, all that it will ever be as *best.* It is the superlative, the ceiling, the limit.
Wait? Limit? Yahweh does not limit anyone. Yahweh has no limits. He is infinite and ever expanding!
Well that leaves us with another option... this limit is always growing and is constantly becoming further and further beyond our reach. It is unattainable and we shall always and ever be less than. We shall never be perfect and we shall always be striving for something we can never have.
That doesn't sound like Yahweh either. Why would the same God who gave you everything in His Son now deny you this? He is not cruel, setting up standards that you can never reach. "Be holy as I am holy." If He asked you to do this, He would then empower you so to do.
So our options--as perfection is currently understood--is that it is either a limiting ceiling of our development and abilities or that it is an unattainable end goal for which we must constantly strive but never reach.
Clearly this was never Yahweh's idea, therefore perfection doesn't exist. Nothing that Yahweh didn't make truly exists.
So if perfection doesn't exist, what does it mean to "Be holy as [He is] holy" and attain that "perfect love" that casts out fear?
Yahweh has shown me recently that there is more, but there is no such thing as less. In other words, as soon as we accept Him and His Holy Spirit, we are FINISHED. He is, after all the "Author and Perfecter." He completed us and finished us before He even authored us, so that from our very inception we were perfect.
Perfection means being united with Yahweh. We are finished, done, and complete as soon as we accept His salvation and unity with Holy Spirit (which is our inception, our birth). Yet, as Yahweh is ever increasing and expanding, we also are growing and expanding. There are places (sometimes in our minds and bodies) into which Yahweh has not yet grown and expanded. We, in unity with Him, must also grow and expand there. We, in unity with Yahweh, are also ever going to be growing and increasing. There will be no limit or ceiling to who we are or what we can create with Yahweh.
Yet neither are we less-than because we are not there yet. Just as we would not consider an infant less human because he isn't an old man, neither can we consider ourselves less than perfect because we are not yet in all of the places that we will one day be.
Perfection is unity with Yahweh. We have been made perfect in love, and once we accept this, we do not need to ever fear being less.
Wait? Limit? Yahweh does not limit anyone. Yahweh has no limits. He is infinite and ever expanding!
Well that leaves us with another option... this limit is always growing and is constantly becoming further and further beyond our reach. It is unattainable and we shall always and ever be less than. We shall never be perfect and we shall always be striving for something we can never have.
That doesn't sound like Yahweh either. Why would the same God who gave you everything in His Son now deny you this? He is not cruel, setting up standards that you can never reach. "Be holy as I am holy." If He asked you to do this, He would then empower you so to do.
So our options--as perfection is currently understood--is that it is either a limiting ceiling of our development and abilities or that it is an unattainable end goal for which we must constantly strive but never reach.
Clearly this was never Yahweh's idea, therefore perfection doesn't exist. Nothing that Yahweh didn't make truly exists.
So if perfection doesn't exist, what does it mean to "Be holy as [He is] holy" and attain that "perfect love" that casts out fear?
Yahweh has shown me recently that there is more, but there is no such thing as less. In other words, as soon as we accept Him and His Holy Spirit, we are FINISHED. He is, after all the "Author and Perfecter." He completed us and finished us before He even authored us, so that from our very inception we were perfect.
Perfection means being united with Yahweh. We are finished, done, and complete as soon as we accept His salvation and unity with Holy Spirit (which is our inception, our birth). Yet, as Yahweh is ever increasing and expanding, we also are growing and expanding. There are places (sometimes in our minds and bodies) into which Yahweh has not yet grown and expanded. We, in unity with Him, must also grow and expand there. We, in unity with Yahweh, are also ever going to be growing and increasing. There will be no limit or ceiling to who we are or what we can create with Yahweh.
Yet neither are we less-than because we are not there yet. Just as we would not consider an infant less human because he isn't an old man, neither can we consider ourselves less than perfect because we are not yet in all of the places that we will one day be.
Perfection is unity with Yahweh. We have been made perfect in love, and once we accept this, we do not need to ever fear being less.
Sunday, September 11, 2016
All That's Dead Inside Can Be Reborn
Three years ago, when I was walking out something crushing, I bought a song on iTunes by Tenth Avenue North called "Worn."
The chorus goes:
"Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
'Cuz I'm worn."
I used to listen to this song on repeat because I was under so much condemnation, torment, and torture from the enemy. I kept pushing through and fighting because I knew that there wasn't really any option. I was blessed by Yahweh to have nothing to go back to if I left Him. I knew that leaving Him would kill me, and I would rather die in faith than in fear.
Over the past three years, I have had the normal ups and downs that come from walking in the Kingdom, but the worst time was during the last school year when the enemy tried again to kill me. I was honestly not sure I would make it. Again, this chorus was the cry of my heart. "Let me know that all that's dead inside can be reborn." Even though I didn't yet know it, I was fighting for the manifestation of Yahweh's Promise in me, the rebirth of all that He placed in me before time and which was killed at the fall.
This morning, the song kept playing in my head, and so I listened to it on my computer. As I listened, I began to sob because I know that all that's dead inside has been reborn. I feel it! It is there. I am alive again and I am so, so grateful and blessed by this.
So I wanted to encourage you, to be the one who "lets [you] see redemption win." The struggle does end. Yahweh can mend a heart that's frail and torn. A song does rise from the ashes of a broken life, and all that is dead inside can be reborn.
And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. ~Galatians 6:9
The chorus goes:
"Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
'Cuz I'm worn."
I used to listen to this song on repeat because I was under so much condemnation, torment, and torture from the enemy. I kept pushing through and fighting because I knew that there wasn't really any option. I was blessed by Yahweh to have nothing to go back to if I left Him. I knew that leaving Him would kill me, and I would rather die in faith than in fear.
Over the past three years, I have had the normal ups and downs that come from walking in the Kingdom, but the worst time was during the last school year when the enemy tried again to kill me. I was honestly not sure I would make it. Again, this chorus was the cry of my heart. "Let me know that all that's dead inside can be reborn." Even though I didn't yet know it, I was fighting for the manifestation of Yahweh's Promise in me, the rebirth of all that He placed in me before time and which was killed at the fall.
This morning, the song kept playing in my head, and so I listened to it on my computer. As I listened, I began to sob because I know that all that's dead inside has been reborn. I feel it! It is there. I am alive again and I am so, so grateful and blessed by this.
So I wanted to encourage you, to be the one who "lets [you] see redemption win." The struggle does end. Yahweh can mend a heart that's frail and torn. A song does rise from the ashes of a broken life, and all that is dead inside can be reborn.
And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. ~Galatians 6:9
Sunday, August 28, 2016
Fearless
Sometimes I like to touch the past, to remember how things used to be. It helps me appreciate how far I come; it causes me to be grateful. Sometimes, I start to cry with the wonder and amazement of it all.
Tonight, I was driving around the university I attended from ages 16-20 and again as a graduate student. The place has changed a lot, honestly. There are countless buildings that were not there before, a couple of new parking lots--probably not enough for all the new buildings; parking was always a problem on campus--and roads that used to be open that were closed before.
As part of my jaunt around the university, I also drove in a certain area of the town. I noticed another new Walmart and countless new gas stations and restaurants and I realized how much my homeland has changed over the past decade or so. Yet, all of this pales in comparison to how much I have changed.
To be clear, I didn't change me. I didn't do anything except take Yahweh at His Word, believing the Promise that He made me before time ever began. Now that I've received that Promise and continue to grow in ever greater and deepening revelation of the Promise, I live a life I never imagined was possible.
I vaguely remember the days when I started to live in dread. I was in pre-school or kindergarten. I remember thinking that my stomach hurt, all the while knowing that it wasn't really a stomachache. When I was a child, I caught every communicable disease I was exposed to, so I was well aware of what the stomach flu was and how it worked. This ache, this heaviness in my stomach, was different than what I experienced when I was about to throw up. Yet, it was uncomfortable and painful and there. I remember noticing it when it came, but I don't remember when it became a given. I don't remember when it became commonplace to dread the day in front of you.
Since that day when the stomachache that was not a stomachache came until these past few weeks and months, I woke up in dread every morning that I had a responsibility. This burden was somewhat lightened during school breaks, and on those special exciting days like my birthday and Christmas, it was gone, but otherwise, it was my constant companion.
Most people dread the things they cannot control, and I suppose there was an element of that to the situation. Mostly, though, I dreaded the things that I could control. I dreaded making a mistake, hurting someone's feelings, or making someone mad. I dreaded being wrong or dropping the ball or breaking something. Some mornings the dread would be so great that I would have panic attacks at the thought that I had to face the responsibilities that were ahead of me. I would try to encourage myself on those days, and I even made it through those responsibilities, performing them well. Yet, the burden and dread of failure was always upon me.
Until this summer. This summer, when I had time to process the Promise that Yahweh showed me in April and integrate the revelation of the New Covenant, which is the Promise. This Covenant was made before time between Yahweh and myself, and it cannot be broken by simple mistakes or occasional bad choices. It is to this Covenant, and not the secular or religious concepts of right and wrong that I am bound, and because it is in the Power of Yahweh that this Covenant operates, it is not something I can get wrong.
The dread was gone for months, and then school started. The normal fear and anxiety that would accompany the start of the school year was not present, though there was a bit of nervousness as I knew the Truth of the freedom from anxiety and dread would really be tested for the first time as I took on the responsibilities of my job once again.
The first week is always the week of professional development, and I was too overwhelmed to be nervous. My new position is so much bigger than my previous one, and there was a giant party with tens of thousands of dollars worth of door prizes. This was the same day I received the first copy of my first book: Promises, the Poetry of the Zadokim.
The second week I met my kids for the first time, and I was somewhat nervous, but also excited. I had never been excited before. As the week rolled on, I realized that I was not afraid as I had always been before. I experienced a little bit of stress as I had to juggle deadlines and assignments that I had not dealt with since May, but that was it.
Then came Sunday night. Last year, I was heavily burdened by dread every Sunday as I anticipated the week ahead. It would come on as the evening came and I realized that the weekend was almost over. This Sunday, the nerves started, but there wasn't really any fear, and under the familiar nervous residue, I felt this certainty that fear was never part of my Promise and that I could be fearless. I also knew that I didn't have to wait out a long battle for that to happen.
This week, I have often started crying in wonder. I expected to be exhausted. I expected to be drained. I expected to be terrified. Or not really, because I believe Yahweh. Yet, that would have been my expectation if I were going based on what I have experienced before. But I'm not.
Because this week I have woken up every morning without dread. I've had an entire week of school that was good. This week, I have been free and I marvel and I wonder because even though I'm living in it, it is not something I had ever fathomed, ever hoped to live in.
I didn't know it was possible to live without dread. But my God... He does impossible things.
Tonight, I was driving around the university I attended from ages 16-20 and again as a graduate student. The place has changed a lot, honestly. There are countless buildings that were not there before, a couple of new parking lots--probably not enough for all the new buildings; parking was always a problem on campus--and roads that used to be open that were closed before.
As part of my jaunt around the university, I also drove in a certain area of the town. I noticed another new Walmart and countless new gas stations and restaurants and I realized how much my homeland has changed over the past decade or so. Yet, all of this pales in comparison to how much I have changed.
To be clear, I didn't change me. I didn't do anything except take Yahweh at His Word, believing the Promise that He made me before time ever began. Now that I've received that Promise and continue to grow in ever greater and deepening revelation of the Promise, I live a life I never imagined was possible.
I vaguely remember the days when I started to live in dread. I was in pre-school or kindergarten. I remember thinking that my stomach hurt, all the while knowing that it wasn't really a stomachache. When I was a child, I caught every communicable disease I was exposed to, so I was well aware of what the stomach flu was and how it worked. This ache, this heaviness in my stomach, was different than what I experienced when I was about to throw up. Yet, it was uncomfortable and painful and there. I remember noticing it when it came, but I don't remember when it became a given. I don't remember when it became commonplace to dread the day in front of you.
Since that day when the stomachache that was not a stomachache came until these past few weeks and months, I woke up in dread every morning that I had a responsibility. This burden was somewhat lightened during school breaks, and on those special exciting days like my birthday and Christmas, it was gone, but otherwise, it was my constant companion.
Most people dread the things they cannot control, and I suppose there was an element of that to the situation. Mostly, though, I dreaded the things that I could control. I dreaded making a mistake, hurting someone's feelings, or making someone mad. I dreaded being wrong or dropping the ball or breaking something. Some mornings the dread would be so great that I would have panic attacks at the thought that I had to face the responsibilities that were ahead of me. I would try to encourage myself on those days, and I even made it through those responsibilities, performing them well. Yet, the burden and dread of failure was always upon me.
Until this summer. This summer, when I had time to process the Promise that Yahweh showed me in April and integrate the revelation of the New Covenant, which is the Promise. This Covenant was made before time between Yahweh and myself, and it cannot be broken by simple mistakes or occasional bad choices. It is to this Covenant, and not the secular or religious concepts of right and wrong that I am bound, and because it is in the Power of Yahweh that this Covenant operates, it is not something I can get wrong.
The dread was gone for months, and then school started. The normal fear and anxiety that would accompany the start of the school year was not present, though there was a bit of nervousness as I knew the Truth of the freedom from anxiety and dread would really be tested for the first time as I took on the responsibilities of my job once again.
The first week is always the week of professional development, and I was too overwhelmed to be nervous. My new position is so much bigger than my previous one, and there was a giant party with tens of thousands of dollars worth of door prizes. This was the same day I received the first copy of my first book: Promises, the Poetry of the Zadokim.
The second week I met my kids for the first time, and I was somewhat nervous, but also excited. I had never been excited before. As the week rolled on, I realized that I was not afraid as I had always been before. I experienced a little bit of stress as I had to juggle deadlines and assignments that I had not dealt with since May, but that was it.
Then came Sunday night. Last year, I was heavily burdened by dread every Sunday as I anticipated the week ahead. It would come on as the evening came and I realized that the weekend was almost over. This Sunday, the nerves started, but there wasn't really any fear, and under the familiar nervous residue, I felt this certainty that fear was never part of my Promise and that I could be fearless. I also knew that I didn't have to wait out a long battle for that to happen.
This week, I have often started crying in wonder. I expected to be exhausted. I expected to be drained. I expected to be terrified. Or not really, because I believe Yahweh. Yet, that would have been my expectation if I were going based on what I have experienced before. But I'm not.
Because this week I have woken up every morning without dread. I've had an entire week of school that was good. This week, I have been free and I marvel and I wonder because even though I'm living in it, it is not something I had ever fathomed, ever hoped to live in.
I didn't know it was possible to live without dread. But my God... He does impossible things.
Friday, August 12, 2016
New Job
They say it's unwise to post about your job on social media, so this is not about my new job, though I am very excited and happy to have started this week at a new junior high school. However, at any such turning point in my life, I cannot help but reflect on where I am now and where I used to be--where I could still be without Yahweh.
I am starting my sixth year teaching this year and my second teaching position. Overall, this is my fourth occupation, and I am just amazed at the place where Yahweh has brought me.
Five years ago when I started teaching, I was not the same person that I am now. I was so afraid and unsure of myself. I didn't know what to do or how to make friends and I always wanted friends, but not for the reason that I enjoy relationships with people now. Back then, I needed people to validate and approve of me because I could not validate and approve of myself. Just before I started teaching, I began to realize that everybody didn't hate me, but I was not aware that people might really like me for me or be able to help me acclimate to a new setting. I was sure that they would hate me automatically if I messed up or made just one mistake. I thought I would get in major trouble if I didn't do everything just so.
Ten years ago when I got my first job working retail at a clothing store, I was almost 400 pounds and severely depressed. I did not know how to interact with people hardly at all, and I was not sure there would ever be happiness or joy in my life. I didn't know how to do anything and I was too afraid to admit when I needed help with something.
In both of these situations, I was so weighted down and stressed out. I felt so burdened every day, and each morning I woke up already afraid of what the day would bring and what mistakes I might make in it. I literally made myself sick, and any task that was asked of me caused me fear unless it was something I knew I could do well. This didn't happen very often, as the things I did best were intellectual and academic. I was not adept at socializing--how could I be if I thought everyone would hate me-- and all of the positions I took required people skills, something I have since learned in what they call "on the job training."
Even now, people confuse me sometimes. Yahweh has revealed things to me recently that help me to understand people a little better, but it is still only something I can do with Him. Yet, I am no longer moved to fear when people respond to me in ways I do not expect or understand.
I cannot describe the difference, the steadiness, that I experienced this week in comparison to the first days in my previous positions. I was not nervous or afraid. I was not worried about making friends. I was not overly stressed by what was asked of me. Each time I was tempted to fear, I remembered that I can do anything with Yahweh and that He has given me all power in my metron.
I am not naive to the difficulties that come with teaching teenagers, nor am I saying that I have not been completely overwhelmed by the sheer amount of work, new information, and expansion of it all. (The school at which I teach now is bigger than the entire district I worked for previously.) Yet, not once have I been tempted to stress out, doubt myself, or fear.
I know that this would not have even been possible two months ago. Indeed, in May I was stressed to the point of tears trying to make sure I ended the school year without making any mistakes and getting all of the students to turn in their assignments before grades were due.
But Yahweh. He changed that. He fixed the part of me that thought I wasn't worthy of love or respect if I did something wrong. He taught me that I don't have to believe the lies of the enemy that I am subject to circumstances or things beyond my control. He gave me the power to stand up and believe in myself. He did all of this in time for me to accept my new position and take my place.
I am not even sure how He did it. I mean, I can look back and see the process, and yet... My God is the most amazing God... There is nothing too big for Him. He can do all things, and I can do all things through Christ.
I am starting my sixth year teaching this year and my second teaching position. Overall, this is my fourth occupation, and I am just amazed at the place where Yahweh has brought me.
Five years ago when I started teaching, I was not the same person that I am now. I was so afraid and unsure of myself. I didn't know what to do or how to make friends and I always wanted friends, but not for the reason that I enjoy relationships with people now. Back then, I needed people to validate and approve of me because I could not validate and approve of myself. Just before I started teaching, I began to realize that everybody didn't hate me, but I was not aware that people might really like me for me or be able to help me acclimate to a new setting. I was sure that they would hate me automatically if I messed up or made just one mistake. I thought I would get in major trouble if I didn't do everything just so.
Ten years ago when I got my first job working retail at a clothing store, I was almost 400 pounds and severely depressed. I did not know how to interact with people hardly at all, and I was not sure there would ever be happiness or joy in my life. I didn't know how to do anything and I was too afraid to admit when I needed help with something.
In both of these situations, I was so weighted down and stressed out. I felt so burdened every day, and each morning I woke up already afraid of what the day would bring and what mistakes I might make in it. I literally made myself sick, and any task that was asked of me caused me fear unless it was something I knew I could do well. This didn't happen very often, as the things I did best were intellectual and academic. I was not adept at socializing--how could I be if I thought everyone would hate me-- and all of the positions I took required people skills, something I have since learned in what they call "on the job training."
Even now, people confuse me sometimes. Yahweh has revealed things to me recently that help me to understand people a little better, but it is still only something I can do with Him. Yet, I am no longer moved to fear when people respond to me in ways I do not expect or understand.
I cannot describe the difference, the steadiness, that I experienced this week in comparison to the first days in my previous positions. I was not nervous or afraid. I was not worried about making friends. I was not overly stressed by what was asked of me. Each time I was tempted to fear, I remembered that I can do anything with Yahweh and that He has given me all power in my metron.
I am not naive to the difficulties that come with teaching teenagers, nor am I saying that I have not been completely overwhelmed by the sheer amount of work, new information, and expansion of it all. (The school at which I teach now is bigger than the entire district I worked for previously.) Yet, not once have I been tempted to stress out, doubt myself, or fear.
I know that this would not have even been possible two months ago. Indeed, in May I was stressed to the point of tears trying to make sure I ended the school year without making any mistakes and getting all of the students to turn in their assignments before grades were due.
But Yahweh. He changed that. He fixed the part of me that thought I wasn't worthy of love or respect if I did something wrong. He taught me that I don't have to believe the lies of the enemy that I am subject to circumstances or things beyond my control. He gave me the power to stand up and believe in myself. He did all of this in time for me to accept my new position and take my place.
I am not even sure how He did it. I mean, I can look back and see the process, and yet... My God is the most amazing God... There is nothing too big for Him. He can do all things, and I can do all things through Christ.
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