Under the umbrella of "difficult times of life" there exist challenges, tragedies, and traumas, vastly different experiences that help shape who we are. Those who haven't endured all three cannot understand this difference, and they often mix them up with one another when dealing with people who are experiencing hard times. Each requires a different response, each touches a different place in a person, and each will help us grow if we let it.
Challenges are probably the most common difficulty I can think of, and I cannot think of anyone who hasn't faced challenges in their lives. The first grader faces challenges when learning to read or do math for the first time. Adults face challenges like everyday work issues such as dealing with difficult coworkers and deadlines, family issues such as raising children or relating to partners, and specific event-based issues that require extra effort to overcome.
Tragedies are horrible things that happen to you. They are (hopefully) not common, but everyone experiences them at some point. Tragedies include great loss and a fundamental shift from before to after. There is a destruction involved and something that will never quite be the same. Losing a loved one is a tragedy. Natural disasters are tragedies. Certain diagnoses are tragedies.
Traumas are horrible things that happen to you--either in a single moment or over time--that cause a fundamental shift in your mental and physical makeup as well as the world around you. Your mind shatters, and every cell in your physical body internalizes the event (or series of events) that happened. Your being takes this trauma into the center of itself and wraps itself around it because it is so big that you cannot deal with it all at once. Then, it slowly releases the trauma over time in the form of nightmares, panic attacks, or other symptoms that you process as you can. Tragedies can be traumas when you lose something so great that your being cannot process everything you've lost at once, but they are not always traumatic or traumatic to the same degree.
The complications of combining these difficult times are so vast that I could not encompass them here. There is a term called "complicated bereavement" which describes what happens when trauma compounds tragedy. And of course, every challenge is made that much more difficult when you're also carrying a trauma around. Trauma makes everything harder.
The response to these hard times must be as different as the hard times themselves. Challenges help you grow; they stretch you. The word "overcoming" is good here because challenges give you that feeling of triumph and victory at the end once you've gotten to the other side of them. The sense of pride and accomplishment are so worth the challenge that often people create challenges for themselves in the form of resolutions or goals so that they can feel that sense of accomplishment.
Tragedies and traumas are not to be overcome, however. There is no getting to the other side of them. They will forever be a part of the Tapestry of your Life now, but this is not fatalistic or sad. There is a new dimension and depth to your life as you integrate the tragedies and traumas. There is a new relationship with Yahweh that cannot be known without them. There are new ways of seeing, and the ability to recognize beauty in ashes. Those who have experienced tragedies and traumas recognize each other because there is just something MORE about that person, about their perspective, about what they have to offer. That greater vision, that greater expression, that greater knowledge of Yahweh is what makes the tragedies and traumas of life worth it. No, there may not be a sense of accomplishment or pride at climbing to the top of the mountain here, but there is a richer joy and sense of value that can be found in the valley.
It is in the tragedies and traumas that the highways of our God are made. Every mountain is brought low as every valley is exalted, for we learn to love and rejoice and weep and lament equally in valley as on mountaintop. It is in this that we become secure because now, forever after these experiences, we realize Yahweh--who we are--cannot be taken from us because of where we are, the things that happen to us, or even what we do.
Grief is the Golden Thread in the Tapestry, and I would no more want to overcome and move beyond it than I would want to overcome and move beyond the people I loved and lost. It cost me everything and it is part of me now, so I don't want to get rid of my tragedies and traumas; I want to put them in their places.
Tragedies can be woven into the Tapestry of Life more quickly than traumas simply because they can be processed more quickly. Your mind is not hiding part of a tragedy from you in order to process some of it later, so you can process it as a whole. (Again, many tragedies are traumas, so I am not talking about those.) Traumas often take years to uncover. Sometimes they happened over years of time, but even if they didn't, your mind and body are working together for you in order to help you process something so big and so deep without it overwhelming and killing you. Just as your physical body stores toxins in fat and will not release those toxins until it senses that your body is ready to process and deal with them, so your mind and body store traumatic experiences that express themselves in your life a little at a time as you are ready to deal with them. This is not to say processing trauma will always happen at convenient times. Sometimes you may not think it's an opportune time to deal with them, like in the middle of a workday or when you REALLY need to focus on a major project. However, dealing with the traumas when they're exposed by your mind and body is healthier than suppressing them.
It is in dealing with them--in processing the traumas in healthy ways and allowing ourselves to go through the pain-- that we grow. Suppressing the trauma and burying it when your mind and body are telling you you're ready to deal with it can cause long-term negative health effects such as ulcers. Still, enduring the processing can almost feel like dying. It takes discernment to know how to navigate the healing process, and there is no one right way to do it.
So how can you help someone dealing with challenges, tragedies, and traumas?
*We all experience challenges regularly. Challenges can be helped with encouragement, by reminding someone of the vision of the "other side," and sometimes by helping with details of the challenge such as lightening the workload or offering to take up the slack elsewhere while someone focuses intently on the challenge.
*Tragedies often require a longer commitment than a challenge. In a tragedy, empathy is helpful. Listening to the person as they lament their loss or remember the good old days is helpful. Remembering that they've been through a tragedy and that it's not going to go away months or years later is helpful. People who have lost someone will always find holidays hard, for example, so acknowledging that and remembering that in the midst of your merry-making is kind.
*Traumas require the longest commitment of all, and I have found that few are able to truly be helpful here. Empathy is essential, and without it the traumatized person's experience is often made worse. Many of the same helps for tragedies apply to traumas, but additional help such as reassurance of insecurities and reminders of the entirety of the Tapestry instead of the single Thread are also needed. Many people who experience traumas need professional help such as therapy or counseling.
Growth is life, and all of these things help us grow. As long as we are still growing, we are okay, even in the midst of our challenges, tragedies, and traumas. Each of us has a unique path in life, and it is never helpful to harangue someone about their path. Helping others who are growing in these times requires you to let that person take the lead, get in their boat, and let them steer. If you're brave enough, you can experience some of the beauty of new vision that the person who has endured the tragedies and traumas of life will gain from this experience, though ultimately they are the ones who will grow to a new dimension beyond anything ever known.
We all have our challenges, tragedies, and traumas from which we grow. As long as we are growing, we are okay. The Tapestry of Life is greater than a single Thread, and I know that ultimately we will see how beautiful it all is.
