Under the umbrella of "difficult times of life" there exist challenges, tragedies, and traumas, vastly different experiences that help shape who we are. Those who haven't endured all three cannot understand this difference, and they often mix them up with one another when dealing with people who are experiencing hard times. Each requires a different response, each touches a different place in a person, and each will help us grow if we let it.
Challenges are probably the most common difficulty I can think of, and I cannot think of anyone who hasn't faced challenges in their lives. The first grader faces challenges when learning to read or do math for the first time. Adults face challenges like everyday work issues such as dealing with difficult coworkers and deadlines, family issues such as raising children or relating to partners, and specific event-based issues that require extra effort to overcome.
Tragedies are horrible things that happen to you. They are (hopefully) not common, but everyone experiences them at some point. Tragedies include great loss and a fundamental shift from before to after. There is a destruction involved and something that will never quite be the same. Losing a loved one is a tragedy. Natural disasters are tragedies. Certain diagnoses are tragedies.
Traumas are horrible things that happen to you--either in a single moment or over time--that cause a fundamental shift in your mental and physical makeup as well as the world around you. Your mind shatters, and every cell in your physical body internalizes the event (or series of events) that happened. Your being takes this trauma into the center of itself and wraps itself around it because it is so big that you cannot deal with it all at once. Then, it slowly releases the trauma over time in the form of nightmares, panic attacks, or other symptoms that you process as you can. Tragedies can be traumas when you lose something so great that your being cannot process everything you've lost at once, but they are not always traumatic or traumatic to the same degree.
The complications of combining these difficult times are so vast that I could not encompass them here. There is a term called "complicated bereavement" which describes what happens when trauma compounds tragedy. And of course, every challenge is made that much more difficult when you're also carrying a trauma around. Trauma makes everything harder.
The response to these hard times must be as different as the hard times themselves. Challenges help you grow; they stretch you. The word "overcoming" is good here because challenges give you that feeling of triumph and victory at the end once you've gotten to the other side of them. The sense of pride and accomplishment are so worth the challenge that often people create challenges for themselves in the form of resolutions or goals so that they can feel that sense of accomplishment.
Tragedies and traumas are not to be overcome, however. There is no getting to the other side of them. They will forever be a part of the Tapestry of your Life now, but this is not fatalistic or sad. There is a new dimension and depth to your life as you integrate the tragedies and traumas. There is a new relationship with Yahweh that cannot be known without them. There are new ways of seeing, and the ability to recognize beauty in ashes. Those who have experienced tragedies and traumas recognize each other because there is just something MORE about that person, about their perspective, about what they have to offer. That greater vision, that greater expression, that greater knowledge of Yahweh is what makes the tragedies and traumas of life worth it. No, there may not be a sense of accomplishment or pride at climbing to the top of the mountain here, but there is a richer joy and sense of value that can be found in the valley.
It is in the tragedies and traumas that the highways of our God are made. Every mountain is brought low as every valley is exalted, for we learn to love and rejoice and weep and lament equally in valley as on mountaintop. It is in this that we become secure because now, forever after these experiences, we realize Yahweh--who we are--cannot be taken from us because of where we are, the things that happen to us, or even what we do.
Grief is the Golden Thread in the Tapestry, and I would no more want to overcome and move beyond it than I would want to overcome and move beyond the people I loved and lost. It cost me everything and it is part of me now, so I don't want to get rid of my tragedies and traumas; I want to put them in their places.
Tragedies can be woven into the Tapestry of Life more quickly than traumas simply because they can be processed more quickly. Your mind is not hiding part of a tragedy from you in order to process some of it later, so you can process it as a whole. (Again, many tragedies are traumas, so I am not talking about those.) Traumas often take years to uncover. Sometimes they happened over years of time, but even if they didn't, your mind and body are working together for you in order to help you process something so big and so deep without it overwhelming and killing you. Just as your physical body stores toxins in fat and will not release those toxins until it senses that your body is ready to process and deal with them, so your mind and body store traumatic experiences that express themselves in your life a little at a time as you are ready to deal with them. This is not to say processing trauma will always happen at convenient times. Sometimes you may not think it's an opportune time to deal with them, like in the middle of a workday or when you REALLY need to focus on a major project. However, dealing with the traumas when they're exposed by your mind and body is healthier than suppressing them.
It is in dealing with them--in processing the traumas in healthy ways and allowing ourselves to go through the pain-- that we grow. Suppressing the trauma and burying it when your mind and body are telling you you're ready to deal with it can cause long-term negative health effects such as ulcers. Still, enduring the processing can almost feel like dying. It takes discernment to know how to navigate the healing process, and there is no one right way to do it.
So how can you help someone dealing with challenges, tragedies, and traumas?
*We all experience challenges regularly. Challenges can be helped with encouragement, by reminding someone of the vision of the "other side," and sometimes by helping with details of the challenge such as lightening the workload or offering to take up the slack elsewhere while someone focuses intently on the challenge.
*Tragedies often require a longer commitment than a challenge. In a tragedy, empathy is helpful. Listening to the person as they lament their loss or remember the good old days is helpful. Remembering that they've been through a tragedy and that it's not going to go away months or years later is helpful. People who have lost someone will always find holidays hard, for example, so acknowledging that and remembering that in the midst of your merry-making is kind.
*Traumas require the longest commitment of all, and I have found that few are able to truly be helpful here. Empathy is essential, and without it the traumatized person's experience is often made worse. Many of the same helps for tragedies apply to traumas, but additional help such as reassurance of insecurities and reminders of the entirety of the Tapestry instead of the single Thread are also needed. Many people who experience traumas need professional help such as therapy or counseling.
Growth is life, and all of these things help us grow. As long as we are still growing, we are okay, even in the midst of our challenges, tragedies, and traumas. Each of us has a unique path in life, and it is never helpful to harangue someone about their path. Helping others who are growing in these times requires you to let that person take the lead, get in their boat, and let them steer. If you're brave enough, you can experience some of the beauty of new vision that the person who has endured the tragedies and traumas of life will gain from this experience, though ultimately they are the ones who will grow to a new dimension beyond anything ever known.
We all have our challenges, tragedies, and traumas from which we grow. As long as we are growing, we are okay. The Tapestry of Life is greater than a single Thread, and I know that ultimately we will see how beautiful it all is.
Tuesday, June 4, 2019
Thursday, May 9, 2019
Setting Boundaries
This season of First Fruits, Yahweh has been teaching me about loving myself. Part of loving yourself is trusting yourself and your relationship with Yahweh in all things. Over the last sixteen months of grieving, I have often reached out to people only to have them respond in ways that felt like slapping me in the face. I am talking about multiple people whom I trusted to help me carry this heaviest of loads when the time came. I know that all of the people to whom I reached out were genuinely and sincerely trying to be supportive. They have good hearts and are kind people. Thus in receiving their hurtful responses, I thought there was something wrong with me when they were hurtful instead of helpful. I added the burden of their feelings and expectations to my grief as I sifted through my own mind and emotions to find out why their responses hurt me when they had such loving hearts.
I did not trust myself then to know what I needed in this grief. I did not trust myself to articulate what I needed because I was afraid of losing what little support I had. Now, however, I realize that support that feels like a slap in the face is actually not support, and so I am setting boundaries. I realize that some of the people I attempted to reach out to may not have known how to help me in my grief, and so I am telling you how to help me now. If you truly want to support and love me through my grief, please let me know. Reach out to me via text or direct message and let me know you're safe for me to talk to. I need you. I am trying to build a support network by this post. If you cannot follow these boundaries, that's fine. I understand this is a heavy things I carry, and I love and respect you anyway. We will simply talk of other things and I will reach out to those who can truly help me in this time when I am having a rough night, a hard week, or a holiday/anniversary experience.
The Boundaries:
1) I am the expert.
I know me and what I need in my grief. If I tell you to stop doing something, please do not continue to do that thing and then justify it. It is hurting me. I don't care if you don't understand why it hurts me, if you think it shouldn't hurt me, if it wouldn't hurt you if you were in my situation, or even if it was the magic key to helping you progress in your own grieving experiences. We are different people. Each grief is as unique as the relationship between the person grieving and the person who has been lost. I know what I need. If I don't, I will ask. If you make suggestions, they are not commands, and I may or may not follow your advice.
2) You do not need to motivate me to get out of pain.
I don't need any statements like "You need to____. You should______. Choose to be______. If you would______." Yahweh and I are growing and I am doing what I know is healthy and helpful for me in my grief. You are free to make suggestions as to things that might help me, but if I tell you that it won't be helpful, do not continue to make suggestions. Trust me that I know what I need. Also, suggestions are not commands. If I do not do what you say and you withdraw your support from me, then you did not have unconditional love and support for me. I am growing with Yahweh. I am not stagnating or going backwards. If you cannot see that, then trust me on it. I do not need a kick in the pants to move forward because I AM moving forward.
3) Grief is a long-term process.
I have been grieving for sixteen months/2.5 months and it's only just begun. Really, I have to work through things that have been happening all my life and for generations beyond that. If you think I can just pray in tongues and make some declarations for a few days and fix all of this, you are mistaken. I will not circumvent the grieving process by pushing the pain down and pretending it is all okay in order to make other people comfortable. That is how future mental and physical illnesses happen. It may be a long-term process, but I will complete the process as Yahweh leads and in His and my timing, not two weeks after the funeral as most people seem to want.
4) Pain is not the enemy.
Helping others grieve does not entail trying to fix the pain or telling them to move on. It is helping them carry and integrate the pain into their lives like a thread in a Tapestry. Grieving does not make someone less faithful, less joyful, or less spiritual. It actually makes us more. Support the grieving in this. Stop telling us to move on, be joyful, or DO anything to get out of pain. Sit with us in the pain. Hold our hands and recognize that we know Yahweh here as much as we do in joy and laughter. Help us bear the burden instead of adding more burden to us by trying to get us to meet your expectation of “being okay.” Yahweh is in the pain as much as the joy, and I will know Him here.
5) I do not need to be screamed at.
Ever. Period. Yes, there may be times when it doesn't trigger me, but there are times when it does and neither of us know when that will happen. Screaming never did anything to motivate me anyway, even if I needed to be motivated (see #2).
6) You do not get to come between me and Yahweh.
A good, healthy relationship allows people to feel loved and appreciated and helps us know Yahweh more. If you try to tell me what's right and wrong, if you try to establish the vision for my life and future, if you try to tell me what I am supposed to be doing, you are coming between me and Yahweh. This is not a healthy relationship, then. Yahweh and I have an excellent relationship which has always blessed me and allowed healing and growth. Theology, principles, and laws--whether Christian or Kingdom or otherwise-- have never healed me. Yahweh has healed me. If theology, principle, and law helps me know Yahweh better, then it has led to healing, but it has never been the source. I do not need your theology, nor do I need you to believe mine. My relationship with Yahweh is unique to me. Sometimes, we will have some things in common, other times we will not. That's okay, but if you try to shove your theology on me, that's like shoving a false garment on me that I will only have to remove later. I trust Yahweh. I trust myself. I trust what I have learned in my relationship with Yahweh. It is ridiculous to believe that Yahweh would tell someone else something about my life instead of me. I have only recently come to the awareness of this.
7) What worked last time won't work this time.
I have already been healed of and overcome so many things, but the path I took last time is not the same path I will take this time. I am different now, I am grown. It would make no sense for the principles that led to my knowing Yahweh more last time to help me know Him more this time. That would be like having a 12th grade Calculus student with foundational mathematical knowledge learn single-digit multiplication over and over again. Sure, it helped them pass the third grade, but it won't help them now!
8) Helpful vs. Hurtful Statements
Use empathetic phrases like “I’m sorry. That sucks. You’re right. It will be okay.” Do not use phrases like “You should” “If you would” “Choose joy” or try to tell me things about Yahweh I already know. The goodness of Yahweh doesn’t negate the pain. The pain does not negate the goodness. The pain is real, and He is with me in it. Do you be with me in it, too. Any indication that I could heal faster, be better, etc. if I only did _____ is harmful. It slows down the healing process. (See #2 for words that indicate this.)
9) Meet me where I'm at.
I have been told to meet people where they're at so many times I've lost count. I have no problem doing that most of the time, but in this where I am the one who needs support, I expect you to come to me.
10) I am valuable and this is not my fault.
Pain, living with PTSD, grief, and other issues does not make a person any less valuable (or any less productive). I am not enduring these problems because I don't know Yahweh, I don't have enough faith, or I haven't followed your prescribed set of principles. This is a natural part of life, and what I am doing in working through this will alter creation in a way that is more valuable than if I went out and converted millions of people, if I fed all of the hungry in the world, or if I made boatloads of money (to give to charity). If I speak in the tongues of men and angels but have not love... I am important. I matter. I am worth the long-term investment that walking through this grieving process will entail. This post on my more spiritual blog talks about how to walk through a healing process with someone. Look at number 5.
Now, I'm being strong worded here, and I'm going to say one more strongly worded thing: If this post offends you, remember that my grief is not about you. This is my rodeo. I'd love some help getting through this, but I cannot continue to carry the burdens of others' feelings and expectations as I continue to get through this. I am not being disrespectful or unloving because I love and respect all of you, but I am setting boundaries and sticking to them. In fact, this post is one step forward in my healing process. Rejoice with me in this. And remember, text me and let me know if you're willing to truly support me.
I am, of course, willing to talk with you when there are misunderstandings. I am not cutting you off automatically if you step wrong and hurt me. Grieving people are vulnerable and often unexpectedly triggered. However, if I have told you multiple times that something you do hurts me and you do not stop doing it, I will probably stop reaching out to you in times of trouble. I am hoping that you will be gracious and love me enough to help me as I need.
I did not trust myself then to know what I needed in this grief. I did not trust myself to articulate what I needed because I was afraid of losing what little support I had. Now, however, I realize that support that feels like a slap in the face is actually not support, and so I am setting boundaries. I realize that some of the people I attempted to reach out to may not have known how to help me in my grief, and so I am telling you how to help me now. If you truly want to support and love me through my grief, please let me know. Reach out to me via text or direct message and let me know you're safe for me to talk to. I need you. I am trying to build a support network by this post. If you cannot follow these boundaries, that's fine. I understand this is a heavy things I carry, and I love and respect you anyway. We will simply talk of other things and I will reach out to those who can truly help me in this time when I am having a rough night, a hard week, or a holiday/anniversary experience.
The Boundaries:
1) I am the expert.
I know me and what I need in my grief. If I tell you to stop doing something, please do not continue to do that thing and then justify it. It is hurting me. I don't care if you don't understand why it hurts me, if you think it shouldn't hurt me, if it wouldn't hurt you if you were in my situation, or even if it was the magic key to helping you progress in your own grieving experiences. We are different people. Each grief is as unique as the relationship between the person grieving and the person who has been lost. I know what I need. If I don't, I will ask. If you make suggestions, they are not commands, and I may or may not follow your advice.
2) You do not need to motivate me to get out of pain.
I don't need any statements like "You need to____. You should______. Choose to be______. If you would______." Yahweh and I are growing and I am doing what I know is healthy and helpful for me in my grief. You are free to make suggestions as to things that might help me, but if I tell you that it won't be helpful, do not continue to make suggestions. Trust me that I know what I need. Also, suggestions are not commands. If I do not do what you say and you withdraw your support from me, then you did not have unconditional love and support for me. I am growing with Yahweh. I am not stagnating or going backwards. If you cannot see that, then trust me on it. I do not need a kick in the pants to move forward because I AM moving forward.
3) Grief is a long-term process.
I have been grieving for sixteen months/2.5 months and it's only just begun. Really, I have to work through things that have been happening all my life and for generations beyond that. If you think I can just pray in tongues and make some declarations for a few days and fix all of this, you are mistaken. I will not circumvent the grieving process by pushing the pain down and pretending it is all okay in order to make other people comfortable. That is how future mental and physical illnesses happen. It may be a long-term process, but I will complete the process as Yahweh leads and in His and my timing, not two weeks after the funeral as most people seem to want.
4) Pain is not the enemy.
Helping others grieve does not entail trying to fix the pain or telling them to move on. It is helping them carry and integrate the pain into their lives like a thread in a Tapestry. Grieving does not make someone less faithful, less joyful, or less spiritual. It actually makes us more. Support the grieving in this. Stop telling us to move on, be joyful, or DO anything to get out of pain. Sit with us in the pain. Hold our hands and recognize that we know Yahweh here as much as we do in joy and laughter. Help us bear the burden instead of adding more burden to us by trying to get us to meet your expectation of “being okay.” Yahweh is in the pain as much as the joy, and I will know Him here.
5) I do not need to be screamed at.
Ever. Period. Yes, there may be times when it doesn't trigger me, but there are times when it does and neither of us know when that will happen. Screaming never did anything to motivate me anyway, even if I needed to be motivated (see #2).
6) You do not get to come between me and Yahweh.
A good, healthy relationship allows people to feel loved and appreciated and helps us know Yahweh more. If you try to tell me what's right and wrong, if you try to establish the vision for my life and future, if you try to tell me what I am supposed to be doing, you are coming between me and Yahweh. This is not a healthy relationship, then. Yahweh and I have an excellent relationship which has always blessed me and allowed healing and growth. Theology, principles, and laws--whether Christian or Kingdom or otherwise-- have never healed me. Yahweh has healed me. If theology, principle, and law helps me know Yahweh better, then it has led to healing, but it has never been the source. I do not need your theology, nor do I need you to believe mine. My relationship with Yahweh is unique to me. Sometimes, we will have some things in common, other times we will not. That's okay, but if you try to shove your theology on me, that's like shoving a false garment on me that I will only have to remove later. I trust Yahweh. I trust myself. I trust what I have learned in my relationship with Yahweh. It is ridiculous to believe that Yahweh would tell someone else something about my life instead of me. I have only recently come to the awareness of this.
7) What worked last time won't work this time.
I have already been healed of and overcome so many things, but the path I took last time is not the same path I will take this time. I am different now, I am grown. It would make no sense for the principles that led to my knowing Yahweh more last time to help me know Him more this time. That would be like having a 12th grade Calculus student with foundational mathematical knowledge learn single-digit multiplication over and over again. Sure, it helped them pass the third grade, but it won't help them now!
8) Helpful vs. Hurtful Statements
Use empathetic phrases like “I’m sorry. That sucks. You’re right. It will be okay.” Do not use phrases like “You should” “If you would” “Choose joy” or try to tell me things about Yahweh I already know. The goodness of Yahweh doesn’t negate the pain. The pain does not negate the goodness. The pain is real, and He is with me in it. Do you be with me in it, too. Any indication that I could heal faster, be better, etc. if I only did _____ is harmful. It slows down the healing process. (See #2 for words that indicate this.)
9) Meet me where I'm at.
I have been told to meet people where they're at so many times I've lost count. I have no problem doing that most of the time, but in this where I am the one who needs support, I expect you to come to me.
10) I am valuable and this is not my fault.
Pain, living with PTSD, grief, and other issues does not make a person any less valuable (or any less productive). I am not enduring these problems because I don't know Yahweh, I don't have enough faith, or I haven't followed your prescribed set of principles. This is a natural part of life, and what I am doing in working through this will alter creation in a way that is more valuable than if I went out and converted millions of people, if I fed all of the hungry in the world, or if I made boatloads of money (to give to charity). If I speak in the tongues of men and angels but have not love... I am important. I matter. I am worth the long-term investment that walking through this grieving process will entail. This post on my more spiritual blog talks about how to walk through a healing process with someone. Look at number 5.
Now, I'm being strong worded here, and I'm going to say one more strongly worded thing: If this post offends you, remember that my grief is not about you. This is my rodeo. I'd love some help getting through this, but I cannot continue to carry the burdens of others' feelings and expectations as I continue to get through this. I am not being disrespectful or unloving because I love and respect all of you, but I am setting boundaries and sticking to them. In fact, this post is one step forward in my healing process. Rejoice with me in this. And remember, text me and let me know if you're willing to truly support me.
I am, of course, willing to talk with you when there are misunderstandings. I am not cutting you off automatically if you step wrong and hurt me. Grieving people are vulnerable and often unexpectedly triggered. However, if I have told you multiple times that something you do hurts me and you do not stop doing it, I will probably stop reaching out to you in times of trouble. I am hoping that you will be gracious and love me enough to help me as I need.
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